November 20, 2009

When You Have To Resort to Cyber Stalking ...He's Just Not That Into You

Name: I need a push to MOVE ON! |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: Moxie,Moxieoctober12009z

I'm a avid reader of your column and love the advice you give EVERYONE!  I need some of my own or at least a little push to move on!

I have been dating a 41 year old man off and on for the last year.  He's been telling me as of late that he cares about me a lot and wants me in his life but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now.  He even told my best friend this.  He just finalized his divorce, they were separated for two years.  The off times I found him on match and other sites, including ddhg.com (comical, yes!) but I thought I really had no right to be mad as we were not in an exclusive relationship during those times.  I last saw him a month ago while at his house. I couldn't sleep so I was playing with his phone and looked at his text messages.  He had messages from a stripper asking him to come and watch her as well as as an employee asking if they could go back to having an employee boss relationship.  I got very upset and ended communication with him after many back and forth texts, etc.  I was away for a week in which we communicated every day, he was in India the following week, again we communicated every day.  He's been back from India since Saturday....I looked at his fb profile today and as of yesterday his status was changed to in a relationship??????  I've also now asked around about what really happened with his wife of 13 years and he cheated on her numerous times and also has a past addiction.  the last communication I had with him was the same day he changed his status.  He asked me for a rain check to meet me, did I mention he also lives SIX BLOCKS FROM ME!!!  He moved to my neighborhood by the way.  His excuse on the rain check was he had one of his daughters.

I know what I need to do I'm just sorry it took me so long to see it and then I didn't believe it until I saw it on FB.  I'm still left wondering where did this relationship come from?  He was active on match the week after I halted communication.  Has she been around all along or is she new and if so how did she immediately get into his life to the point where he'll tell his friends and family that he's committed to her but would never with me because of timing or he wanted to date after his divorce.  And, has she changed him or at 41 will he continue to cheat on her as he has with me, it now sounds like others, and also his ex-wife.

Please knock some sense into me as I shouldn't even care about the answers to these questions!!!  I know the right answers but am still questioning if he was ready to be in a relationship why wasn't it me?   |Age: 31

God, there are so many answers to that question. Why was he ready for a relationship with someone else but not you? Who says he's ready for a relationship at all? Who knows if he really is in a relationship?

The off times I found him on match and other sites, including ddhg.com (comical, yes!) but I thought I really had no right to be mad as we were not in an exclusive relationship during those times.

So, basically, you were Google Stalking him? OK. Let's forget about him for a second. Between doing cyber re-con work and "playing" with his phone (*eyeroll*).....you're clearly kind of a mess. Which is why you were dating this douche to begin with. Guys like him feed off of women like you...needy, insecure, maybe a little crazy. The love to watch you get all worked up. They love the idea that you're sitting home Googling him or blogging about him or whatever. The fact that you found him on DDHG.com (DontDateHimGirl.com) should have been a big red flag that this guy is  a loser. Not to give the crackpots that utilize that site any credibility, as they're clearly a mess with their own emotional issues, but just getting mentioned on there means he either has really poor judgment and/or he drives women over the edge. The fact he dated a woman vindictive enough to post his name on a website and yap about what he may or may not have done to her should have served as a warning as to what kind of women he dates and what he's like to deal with.

You have GOT to nip this in the bud now. Like, today. Call a therapist and get some professional help, You show low self-esteem and alarming obsessive tendencies. Not a good combination. You're two steps away from justifying stalking.

Guys like this have a way of pushing women like you off the ledge. He doesn't care about you or anyone else he dates. He's a narcissist. And narcissists care only about themselves and little about anyone else. These are the guys who will lie about having herpes or a wife or a whole secret life. And they do it without feeling a bit of remorse.

Also, to clarify, he never cheated on you. The fact that you would say that tells me and everyone else how you had a distorted idea of this relationship. This guy was never committing to anyone. He was always keeping his options open. You were not exclusive or monogamous, ergo he couldn't "cheat" on you. (Is this story sounding familiar to anyone??)  If I were you, my main concern would be that he didn't pass along some nasty STD or worse. And I would tell you to start being more discerning about who you sleep with. If you dated this guy, you're no doubt dating other guys like him. Stop focusing and falling for the charm or the suits or the gifts or the expensive dates. Stop feeding the egos of these men. Any relationship that compels you to cyber-stalk a guy is never a good one. Men like this and women like you are combustible combinations.

You wanted a push? I just gave you one. Get thee to a therapist pronto before you get involved with another guy like this and something really tragic happens. And I guarantee you, if you do not get your issues sorted out, something tragic WILL happen.

Stop justifying your behavior and making excuses and blaming him. This isn't the first time you've resorted to stuff like this or dated a guy like this. You know it and I know it. It will only get worse from here on out.

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November 20, 2009 | | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0)

November 19, 2009

The Exit Strategy

Name: Elle | | Location: Philly , PA |Question: I have been seeing this guy for over three months. He told me Moxieoctober112009xthat he is not interested in a serious relationship because of the hours he puts in at work and the fact that he wants to go overseas to do "Doctors without borders". While I think that this is a very noble cause and way of life. This is not what I am interested in in my future. And I told him that. And I also told him that I am interested in marriage in my future and in having kids. He told me that he does not want to lead me on and that I can see other guys so that I can basically meet someone to settle down with.

I don't call the guy. I only respond to his texts and phone calls. We have only gone on three dates during these three months. Earlier this week he called me to ask me if I wanted to go to Los Vegas with him for New Year's Eve. All expense paid trip on him. I am confused. Why is this guy treating me to a very expensive trip if he is not interested in a serious relationship with me. I don't look like a model. So I doubt that it is because he wants to sleep with me. Also I feel so guilty. Since he is not interested in a future with me, I feel guilty accepting this trip from him. Although going on the trip sounds like a blast and I can't afford a trip like this, I don't know if I should go. I don't want to take advantage of him. My friends all say that I should go. What do you guys think I should do? Would a trip like this be considered taking advantage of him? I think that he is doing this because he doesn't have anyone else to spend New Years eve with. But an all expense paid trip. That's sounds a bit ridiculous.  |Age: 29

While it's totally possible that this guy might, someday, participate in Doctors Without Borders, I'm guessing that's a line he uses to set expectations. Basically, he's created an Exit Strategy so that the women he dates don't get too cozy or settled in. He's telling women upfront, "Look, I don't plan on sticking around."  Instead of just coming out and saying he has no intention of engaging in a serious relationship , he uses the doctors without borders excuse so he can a) set up an escape clause without b) looking like a dirt bag. I'm not saying he's going to fake leaving the country to get away with you. He's just putting it out there so you're clear that there is a looming end date to this arrangement.

The Exit Strategy comes in many different forms. They alert you, in their profile or on the first date, that they travel a lot for work or work crazy hours. Or that they're considering moving to another state. (I see that in a guy's profile and I bail immediately.) Or they just flat out tell you, unprovoked, that they aren't looking for anything serious. If you're looking for an eventual relationship, these guys should be avoided.

He's asking you to go away with him because he likes you. Just not enough to actually have a relationship with you. He's setting the boundaries and expectations very clear so that if you do get attached, he can say "But I told you I wasn't looking for anything serious." Is it taking advantage of him? Nope. It would be taking advantage if the roles were reversed and you were the one not looking for a relationship. You have no idea how much it actually cost. He could be getting the rooms for free or maybe has Frequent Flyer miles. He actually could be spending very little.

Don't try and use this as a way to convince yourself he's actually looking for something serious. He's likely not. He's told you as much. He's the guy who likes companionship and sex, but not commitment.


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November 19, 2009 | | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0)

November 18, 2009

Cashmere Mafia Mentality

I am not magda, even though I do agree with her on almost all counts, hence borrowed her line.  Moxieoctober200955555

I work in finance in New York and deal with young financiers, highly competitive guys and gals every day. This is a grossly successful crowd by the middle america standards. We're talking high 6 to 7 digits here. I can not tell you how many model-like looking, smart, driven and successful girls in the field get passed on every day in favor of teachers, nurses and actresses-waitresses. Ultimately, a great deal of those marriages result into painful divorce settlements for men, but they would rather run this risk than date and marry their equals. I have a degree from a top ivy league business school, and I recall that when I was there, the b-school guys would go straight to the teachers college across the street to get dates. Go figure. I probably have close to two hundreds women in my social/professional network, and I could count on the fingers of one hand the ones who got married to their equals, let alone up. It really is lonely at the top after all.

... I come from a very humble background, and owe all I have to my own hard work and sheer determination.

Moxie, I enjoy reading your blog and it's fun, but you really outside of your scope of expertise when it comes to this "lonely at the top" issue. You have to be here to experience it.

You may make whatever assumptions you want about my personality, even though making such a judgment about somebody you've never met is telling, but nobody can argue with the fact that the supply/demand at the top is skewed in favor of men.

They can date and marry anybody from their equals to their personal assistants and waitresses, successful women tend to want successful guys. As a result, the pool women are looking at is MUCH smaller than the pool the guys are looking at, and on top of that they need to compete with forever-24 office managers who mostly have nothing but time to get their nails done and have never pulled an all-nighter in their life. 

Oh, and contrary to what seems to be a popular belief around here, ugly women lacking people skills don't make it to the top. The ones who do are genuinely good-looking and nice to be around, these are the qualities you need to get ahead.


AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SINGLE. Because you have to be right, because you're tragically self-involved and because you refuse to be vulnerable even over something completely innocuous. And, no doubt, you're the woman who has to have the last word. In summary, you're a nag.

Listen to yourself. Listen to how you have to put down these other women in order to make yourself feel better. Those office managers? They're getting your men. They're happy. You're out with your equally loathsome girlfriends boo hoo hooing over Cosmos about how men are just so intimidated by you. No. They just think you're unattractive. But your egos can't bear to hear that. Maybe you're just boring, ever think of that? Maybe you have nothing of interest to talk about, or, only talk about yourself.

The scary thing is that I'm seeing a lot of this from other women. Putting women down in an attempt to elevate themselves. Married women, pregnant women, engaged women, women with boyfriends, women with these flashy clothes or jobs, women with less flashy diplomas on their walls and, of course, YOUNGER women. What happened ladies? Are you pissed off now that you realize that you've been working all your life trying to impress people and have nothing to show for it? It must really burn you to realize that some people don't live their life like it's one constant race for Prom Queen. And you don't just hate men, you hate women, too. (And, yeah, that's funny coming from me. I know.) You try to undermine women any chance you get. Know why? Because you think it's your only option. Which negates this phony, pretentious, bravado-laced schtick you've been relying on for so long.

Let me correct you. Successful, HAPPY women want and usually get successful guys. Successful entitled bitches get their loft apartments and colorist appointments and designer clothes but have nobody to show them off to. You're the catty bitches who attack other women's looks or weight or bank account or labels. Know why? Because those are the things that define YOU. Those are the criteria on which you choose to place importance and base your self-worth.

See, this is the problem. This is the narcissism and sense of entitlement I've been talking about.

When did so many women become such martyrs? Constantly whining and complaining about their "problems." You're alone because nobody has the time or interest to engage in your drama and self-created non-problems or enable you and your persecution complex.


P.S. Just wrote a post on the Private Blog about what is quite possibly the douchiest male online dating profile I've ever seen.

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November 18, 2009 | | Comments (73) | TrackBack (0)

The Intimidation Factor

Name: Mireya |  | Location: Atlanta , Georgia |Question: I recently started dating this what appear to be a Moxieoctober1120094xgreat guy. Things were going well, and all of the sudden he backed up.

I got a response from him, about you are funny, beautiful and smart, you are great. I just did not feel the "romantic" spark.

But I'm suspecting that he got intimidated.  A male friend of mine goes to support my theory and states that he himself would be intimidated.  That I'm doing very well for myself and I'm not a damsel in distress. Some guys are looking to be heroes. This is driving me bunkers, as a house or a car is not all I'm about. Those a remainders of another life or the "settlement".

I don't want to belittle myself, dumbed out or live in a hut and drive a Honda. I feel clueless. |Age: 39

Regular readers are going to wonder why I am answering this question when I've addressed it so many time already. Here's why: because it's such a common and continuous problem that I feel the need to dispel this myth any chance I get.

It sucks that things didn't work out. I understand not only how disappointing that is but how confusing. Things were moving along, you were getting along...then he drops the hammer. He just wasn't feeling it.

I realize that you want to make sense of it. But there's really nothing to analyze here. What ever the "true" reason is, it still boils down to the fact that he just wasn't feeling what he needed to feel to proceed. You can try and drill it down to get to the heart of the matter. Or, you can do what so many people do when they are in your shoes and try to make it about the other's person's flawed character. He's afraid of getting too close, he's intimidated, etc. Anything to avoid blaming yourself, even though you probably didn't do anything wrong. It's easier to make it about their weakness or issues than start down that Rabbit Hole of wondering if you turned them off.

Now, as for this "he was intimidated" thing. Highly unlikely. I truly believe that this myth is just a symptom of this female narcissism we were talking about last week. This excuse allows women to elevate themselves in order to protect what is a very fragile ego. You're recently divorced. You're still licking your wounds from that. So I get why you're just not in the mood to take his answer at face value. It is. It's hard to hear that. But if that's your coping mechanism every time you get broken up with, then you're going to condition yourself to believe it.That will make it that much harder to identify and rectify potential patterns.

Most men are not intimidated by strong/independent/financially successful/highly educated. These guys aren't stuck in the 50's. If anything, they've got a bit of a chip on their shoulder for the fact that society puts so much responsibility on them to be the provider. So they're happy to sit back and share the workload and responsibility. 

What men don't care for and will ultimately turn them off are women who try to act like men. This, I think, is another issue that surfaces because the woman applies how she thinks a man would act. She's either too aggressive or too abrupt or too combative. She'll challenge the guy too often, chide him thinking she's "busting his balls" or feel compelled to prove to a man that she doesn't need him to support her or make him happy. That, I think, is a major problem. I think so many women are constantly trying to prove to everyone, their Mom, friends, society, that they're so!happy! to be single. It's just a front so that people don't really see how much they crave a partner. Nobody likes to feel like they aren't needed, especially by a girl/boyfriend. Guys don't care how much you make (as long as you aren't looking for a meal ticket) or how many degress or posessions you have. Men care about how much they make, what their credentials are like. They don't expect or need the woman in their life to be lesser or greater than. They don't care. They just need to feel attraction and compatibility.

This guy gave the the honest truth and said it to you personally. He could have just disappeared, but instead chose to be honest. To me, that right there says he's not intimidated by you. It says he genuinely liked you and didn't want to lead you on. You'll see, now that you're back on the dating scene, that that isn't as common as you think.

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November 18, 2009 | | Comments (24) | TrackBack (0)

November 17, 2009

Is She a Man Eater?

Name: Serena |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: Dear Moxie,Moxieoctober1120090p

Right after I broke up with my ex, I fell into a FWB relationship with a guy I knew from college. He had just ended a LTR relationship and had always had serious girlfriends. At 25, he knew this was his time to be single. I was a little upset but ended up meeting someone else, however, I continued to see him while I started seeing a new guy, Blue Eyes. When Blue Eyes and I went on our first date, we established that we both weren’t looking for a relationship which, at the time, was honest on my end. I was rather flagrant about the fact that I was seeing other people and he continued to pursue me even after showing up at my apartment while I was indisposed with the FWB. I actually had feelings for Blue Eyes but since I was newly single I wasn’t looking for someone because I was afraid of being tied down again. The truth was I fed off the power that having two guys gave me; I just didn’t realize what a disaster it would turn into.

Things changed after a death in the family and I realized that I wanted that emotional connection with Blue Eyes. He said that he was willing to be there for me. We made plans for the night I got back from the funeral. That night, he claimed he was busy with his guy friends and blew me off after acting shady. He claimed he wasn’t doing drugs or with other girls but either way, it sent the message that he just wasn’t that interested.

This was a little over a month in and we had probably slept together six or seven times; enough to start wondering where it was going. We tried hanging out after that but he had become a little jealous and asked me if it had been awhile since I had sex. I was offended and upset, because I knew that I was still with the FWB so I pushed to figure out where it was going. He claimed that he couldn’t have a relationship and be there for someone because of his job and his friends. He does honestly work 100+ hours a week at some financial grind house and has a group of 5 single guy friends that I met, but I think he didn’t trust me and resented the fact that I had begun to want more even though he had set up those expectations.

We agreed to be friends but I knew I was not okay with that, so I refused to see him when his roommate, who had a crush on my friend, invited us out. Of course, Blue Eyes never invited me so it put me in a vulnerable position. I text him that “nothing good could ever come from me seeing you” and forbade my friend from seeing his roommate. She continued to text him and about a month later was invited to the roommate’s birthday party. Blue Eyes invited me “as a friend” and I came and ended up with his one better-looking single guy friend after being ignored by him.

Blue Eyes’ friend and I went on a date and all he did was talk trash about Blue Eyes and his roommate and tell me how I was so much better-looking than the girls they normally get and feed my ego to butter me up. Of course it worked and I pathetically fell for it. The next time my friend was in town I hung out with him and Blue Eyes’ roommate, but ended up getting third wheeled buy the other friend. I wasn’t over Blue Eyes and it was fairly obvious, and I think he bailed because he didn’t want to be second string.

Later he claimed the whole nice guy “I knew you wanted a relationship so I didn’t want to take advantage of you” act. In the end I felt dissed by both of them. Blue Eyes wouldn’t respond to my texts because he crudely asked if he was “big” and I said “not at all” just because I thought it was absurd to say that to a girl you were so adamant about being just a friend. After this whole mess, I told my friend to do what she wanted but I was never hanging out with them again.

About a month later, Blue Eyes sent me a terse facebook message asking if I still had some pictures I took of him and his buddies. I had sent them to him right after they were taken and his roommate emailed me a month later asking for them. When I went out with his friend he had said that they all knew the roommate had the pictures because I asked him why the roommate asked me for them and not Blue Eyes. I called Blue Eyes bluff and sent him back a nasty response “I hate you and your roommate has them” and he rightfully defriended me.

The roommate swore to my friend later that Blue Eyes didn’t know he had the pictures when he asked me. I felt terrible and sent an apology e-mail explaining the confusion and then followed up two weeks later with a text and I never got a response.

I’m upset for so many reasons: that my friend continued to hang out with a guy she honestly wasn’t even that into when his friends rejected me, that Blue Eyes’ roommate still texts her and he refuses to respond to me, that I allowed the friend to prey on my vulnerabilities, that I convinced myself that all I wanted was fun and games and I set myself up to not be trusted, that most of all I still let it bother me and I refuse to go to certain bars they hang out in for fear of running into them. I am starting to wonder if I am just a maneater and this is all about power and control and ego. The other boys, including the FWB, that still continue to text me at 3am when they are drunk don’t upset me because they still want me and these guys upset me because now I’m the crazy jilted girl that just isn’t worth the trouble.

|Age: 25

Wow. Okay. That was a lot to absorb, and hopefully I have the facts straight.

First, here's what saves you to some degree. You admit that your ego is part of the problem. So, kudos for that because it shows you're willing to take responsibility for this sordid drama.

I have to be honest. I just finished reading your letter for the third time and here it is, maybe two minutes later, and I've forgotten most of your story. Maybe forgotten isn't the right word. Blocked it out is more appropriate.

Yes, you created this problem for yourself. You decided, when you needed someone to lean on after the death in your family, that you'd use that as a way to crowbar your way to a relationship with Blue Eyes. Which he wasn't falling for, mainly because he sounds like an ego maniac as well. Two ego driven people who thrive off drama = conflict. Constant conflict. If you were older, I'd probably really lay in to you for the "I hate you message" and flirting with BE's friend and forbidding to let your friend date Blue Eyes' room mate. Totally childish and selfish. But you know that. I can tell by the tone of your letter you know that.

I think what really has you so bothered is that you can't have what you want and that your dramatic antics are what got you here. Maybe in the past they worked. But not any more. I think that has you unsettled, as you were sure you knew how to manipulate the situation to your advantage. No, you're not a man eater. You're just a self-involved young girl who needs too much attention and thinks men should drop what they're doing just to be in your presence. Yeah, I know. Ouch. But it's true. You also are attracting similar men in to your life. Men who only care about themselves and who are in something for their own personal gain and not for any mutually beneficial reasons.

Side note about how BE works tons of hours and that's why he couldn't handle a relationship. That's a lie. If a guy likes a woman enough, he'll adjust his life to her schedule or find some way to incorporate her in to it.He just didn't care about you or like you enough to do that. But don't take that personally, as I'm guessing he's not capable right now of putting anyone's needs or feelings before their own. That's how a lot of us were at 25. That's what our twenties was for. To be selfish and self-indulgent. The problems come in when we do not evolve and realize it ain't all about us.

The thing about self-involved people is that they tend to date other self-involved people. So now you have two people who refuse to give in to the others wishes or meet the other person's needs. All the both of you cared about was your own ego. How things are right now? That's how it would be to be in a relationship with him. Fights and feeling bad and feeling like you don't matter.

So, you have a choice: Get your act together and learn now that the world doesn't revolve around you and that you are not some unique snowflake. Or, end up in a shitty, empty relationship that isn't fulfilling or truly loving. Or end up alone. Your choice. But I know you're going to choose the right option. You know you contributed to this. You're beginning to become aware of your issues. There are people almost twice your age who are still walking around in the dark.

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November 17, 2009 | | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

Why Are We Afraid To Act Our Age?

Name: ReallyRosie | | Location: Nashville , TN |Question: I am happily (at least satisfactorily) divorced and Moxieoctober1120096xwould be a MILF if I had kids (do dogs count?).  I am successful, attractive, healthy, sexy, with a great figure and personality.  I dress well, carry myself professionally or friendly, depending on the situation.  I am not at all looking for a committed relationship at this point.  I guess I am the definition of a cougar.  There are young single men (below 30) who are in my social circle (or ones I meet online) who express interest in me, especially the ones who met me when I was married and thought they'd never get a chance with me then.  We set up tentative dates, or even as much as spend alone time with them, but then all of a sudden they need to go home, they decide to be true to some LDR that I'd not heard of before, or some other story where they basically run away.  These men/boys were the aggressors; I was not chasing them. But it seems like as soon as I returned the attraction/interest, they got scared.  They all know I am not looking for anything serious, and they certainly liked flirting with me.  Like I said, this isn't me trolling bars trying to pick up guys; they initiate the interest.  I've read enough of the posts here to know you may say that the common denominator is me (obviously) but I think there is more to it than that since this seems to happen once a "date" is set up but then they cancel.  I guess I was just wondering if this is the case all over, that being a "cougar" is not all it's cracked up to be.  |Age: 45

I highly doubt they got scared. I think they either got turned off or sensed you were looking for more. It's possible that you came on too strong. That's one sure way to make a guy hightail it in the opposite direction. But some of those guys could genuinely have just met someone else that they were more interested in between the time you set up a date and the night of the date. All of them? No. But a couple.

You say that you and the guy collectively set up the date. Is that accurate? Or are you the one to set up the date? That could be part of the problem as well. These guys are happy to flirt with the "cougar" but they don't actually want to have sex with her. Maybe in the moment they do, right then as they flirt. But they're not as interested in light of day, so to speak. Sometimes guys just flirt to flirt without any actual interest in taking it further. So maybe you're the one misinterpreting things? Maybe they think you took things too seriously and that's what has them backing out? The cougar sex thing to them...it's kind of a joke. Something to brag about. They do it so they can have something to talk about at happy hour with the boys. Since they're not genuinely attracted or interested in the woman..they balk because they can't go through with it.

I mean, honestly, are you really surprised that some 25-29 year old backs off when you call their bluff? You said it yourself. They're "boys." They think it makes them cool that some middle-aged woman expresses interest in sleeping with them. But they don't actually want to have sex with you. You're just a square on a bingo card to them.

I have to admit, I don't understand why you have so many men almost 20 years your junior in your social circle or why you even entertain these guys. Why aren't you socializing with at least some men your own age? Listen, variety is great and nobody is saying you can't make some great friends with people that much younger than you...but it sounds like you spend a lot of time around much younger people. I just don't see the upside to that. Not only that, but the places where you're probably meeting them - bars and online - are just death traps for women our age. These guys sound immature, too, which just makes it even more perplexing that you'd hang out around them. Is it the attention? If so, wake up. These guys who say older women are so sexy because they're confident with themselves and they've gotten rid of their baggage...maybe one out of 10 actually mean it. The other 9 think it's funny to watch the middle aged lady get all hot and bothered. 

I have a theory. I think women and men who hang out with singles people much younger than them or just single people do so because it allows them to feel less inadequate. Maybe they get to be the cool, superior "Samantha" of their group dispensing their words of wisdom to the youngins'.Or they feel better about being 35, 40, 45 and still single because their young friends are still finding their way and struggling so they have lower expectations. Being with the young crowd doesn't make you feel as out of place than, say, hanging at a dinner party with your married friends. Or they're still deluding themselves into thinking that, because they look younger, they can still get away with getting loaded and dressing like a 25 year old. It's like we want to insist that we are still part of the younger crowd. I don't know, I like the quiet dinner parties over the loud nights in bars. I like being able to hang out with friends and not care if we're getting hit on by men. I like having adult conversations instead of sitting around bemoaning our stagnant single/sex life like Carrie & Miranda wannabes. And I find men who still hang in bars at 35 and 40 suspicious. Sure, the afterwork happy hour is one thing. But guys who still, at almost 40, spend weekend nights getting hammered and hitting on twentysomethings in way too expensive clubs just don't appeal to me.

At the heart of it, I think people who regularly run with a younger crowd do so because they don't serve as a reminder that they have "failed."

 Trouble said something yesterday in the comments about how getting hit on by a much younger guy is a compliment. I so disagree.Depending on the situation, I take offense to it. How is the idea of some guy objectifying you or labeling you some desperate sure thing a compliment? You know it's true. You know the majority of these young guys who hit on older women specifically because they hope she's a "cougar" aka desperate older woman grateful for any scraps thrown her way. Some will say. "Who cares? If you just looking to get laid who cares what they think?" Uh...I do. I can't go through with sex with a guy who's sleeping with me as some kind fo experiment or because "I'll do" at the time.

Yes, the attention from younger guys is nice and we're certainly not getting the attention from men our age like we used to. But what is worse...the small window of attention followed by constant rejection or...occasional sincere attention from someone more appropriate?

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November 17, 2009 | | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

November 16, 2009

Sleeping Around

Here's a question:Moxieoctoberc112009

Would you have a problem dating or casually dating or just sleeping with someone who you knew had multiple  sexual partners? (lets say 2 in addition to you)

I just had a conversation with my friend M. about his current roster of girlfriends. Okay, so he's newly divorced and out on the prowl..I get that he's making up for lost time. But he's dating three different women, one of which is anti-relationship and made it clear she's dating/sleeping with other people besides him. He's sleeping with all three women.

"Ok...so you're basically sleeping with, at the very least, 9 different people then?"

"How so..?" he asked.

"Well, you're sleeping with whomever they are sleeping with. You don't really buy that 'oh I use condoms so I'm okay'  lie, do you?"

He had nothing to say other than I think too much.

I had a long conversation with one of our new BJ Instructors this weekend. Condoms, while important, aren't 100% effective. That just had my mind racing at the notion of how easy it really is to get an STD. And, really, who here uses a condom or dental damn when they perform oral sex on someone new? I want to see a show of hands...yeah, that's what I thought.

Is it my age or have I just only now, at 40, realized how scary sex really is?

Would you willingly engage in a sexual relationship with someone you knew was likely sleeping with multiple partners?

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November 16, 2009 | | Comments (21) | TrackBack (0)

November 15, 2009

How Come Men Assume She's a MILF?

Name: redhotmama | | Location: montclair , nj |Question: am really enjoying your blog....and i know that as a Moxieoctober1120097xsingle woman, your "take" on things and your "dating pool" is a bit different than mine.  i'm a recently divorced mom with 2 kids on the basketball circuit, which puts me in touch with many single dads as well as young coaching staff.  although i'm not really actively looking for a heavy relationship at this time, i am noticing that ALOT of men are approaching me about "casually" getting together. even one of my closest friends, who was formerly my son's basketball coach.  and although i tell them how flattered i am (some are as young as 23) and tell them that i'm looking for something more than a one night stand, they get upset with me.  so much so that in a few instances they've stopped talking to me for a few weeks til they get over it.  moxie:  am wondering why i'm suddenly the hottest thing in the world for the NSA crowd and why they are so upset with me when i tell them "no! i want more."  btw i dress anything but provocatively (think t-necks, jeans and running shoes)  although i guess in hindsight the "no! i want more! is an excellent filter"...if someone really wanted ME they wouldn't be deterred.  what do you think? red hot mama in montclair |Age: 40

The only reason why a man would get angry or upset that I woman turned down his proposition for no strings fun is because he felt she led him on. Now, had you said this happened once, I'd blow it off as the guy having a more fragile than normal ego and being a narcissistic jerk. But you're getting this over and over, including from men 17 years your junior.

Something isn't right here.

I think there's different things going on here.

One, I think some of these men could be assuming, just because you're a single parent and 40, that you'll settle for scraps. Which makes them small minded asshats. You see it all the time on online dating sites. The creepy dudes and the younger guys will email you and think they're complimenting you by expressing interest so lewdly. They assume, sometimes correctly, that we get such little attention from men that we'll be so beaten down that we'll engage them out of sheer despair and loneliness.

Two, I think you may be putting out some mixed signals. I said this last week, and I don't want to beat a dead horse, but guys don't make comments like this unless they believe they have received the green light. We're not even talking about innuendo here. These guys are blatantly coming out and suggesting you and they engage in some casual fling.

Three, you're surrounding yourself with men who are single parents. Which means many are probably divorced and not looking to get married again.  So, they're being upfront, assuming you as a single parent understand how sometimes you just need to get together with someone casually without the drama. You kind of have to appreciate the fact that they know what they want and aren't leading you on. I know so many people who, when they first got divorced, couldn't even conceive of ever settling down with someone again. Maybe that's where they are?

Four, maybe you're the one making inappropriate assumptions. Maybe they're getting offended, not upset. Maybe they're insulted that you automatically assume that, because they are men, they're just looking for sex.

Just because a guy says he's looking for something casual doesn't mean he's just looking for sex. Sure, that's a determining factor, but it's not always all that they're looking for. It means they're looking for something devoid of stress and drama and angst. They just came froma  situation like that. And like I've always said...men don't set out to have a relationship. They find themselves in one. If you want to ask a guy to clarify what he's looking for, then do so. But don't cut yourself off at the knees by jumping to conclusions. I know, I know..how can you tell what they're looking for? You really can't, unless they flat out say they're just looking for a one night stand.  To assume all the time will only work against you. Nobody is saying you have to sleep with them. If they make the move to have sex, THAT'S when you you ask them to clarify what they're looking for. Not when they first ask you out. You put up that guard that soon and you come off defensive and high maintenance. 

You're Forty and, I assume, divorced. You've got your own biases at work here, too. At least give a guy the opportunity to prove to what he's about.

November 15, 2009 | | Comments (13) | TrackBack (0)

November 14, 2009

Text and The City

Name: Hannah | | Location: New York, NY  |Question: Hi Moxie, What do you do when you get an email or Moxieoctober120093e text that you know wasn't meant for you from a guy you've been dating? I met S. a couple months ago and we've been on about 5 dates and recently had sex for the first time. Yesterday I got a text message from him that read "Can't wait to see you tonight. Been looking forward to it all week." We didn't have plans because he told me he had a bachelor party to go to. I've been going back and forth about whether to send him the text and ask him about it. What do you think? |Age: 36

Well....I want to say that the text could have been to someone connected to the bachelor party. But, I just don't see men saying things like "been looking forward to it all week" to other men. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here but...I can't fully commit to it.

There's two questions here: Do you say something to him about it and what do you do if, in fact, that text is actually to another woman and he lied to you?

I think you should say something. Just be prepared for him to either lie about it (which is what anyone would do, I think, in that situation if they were truly interested in dating the person asking the question) or come clean and tell you he's dating other people.

I'm going to assume, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you two aren't exclusive since it's only been five dates. So, technically, the only thing he did "wrong" was lie about having a bachelor party to attend. If you aren't exclusive, he does have the right to date other people AND, like it or not, when someone does that they usually have to lie in some way or another, either blatantly lie or lie by omission.

It's the intention behind the message that rubs me the wrong way. Sure, fine, date other people. But if there's one that you know you favor, one that, if all things work out, they'll be the one you ultimately choose...then why lead someone else on? Yes, I know. The sex, the companionship, blah blah. Got it.He's playing the odds, waiting to see what happens. We all do that to some extent, I think. 

I think, just to spare yourself disappointment down the road, you should say something to him. My gut says he's got someone on his roster that he prefers more. So, you might have to prepare yourself to walk away so you don't get hurt further. If he says the text was meant for a friend or co-worker or someone platonic (and it could be..maybe he was meeting an old friend for dinner before the bachelor party and that friend is a woman..who knows) then all you can do is listen to your gut and decide if he's telling the truth or not. He genuinely could be meeting a relative or old friend before the party. 

But!!! Do not entrap him by asking questions about the bachelor party first, then asking about the text. That'll totally put him on the defensive and, if he was telling the truth, will totally put you in the "she's crazeee" box.

Guys communicate in a straightforward manner. Tell him you got a text that you believe was meant for someone else. Stick to the issue being about the text. Do not go the "but you told me you had a bachelor party" route. Because you'll be basically accusing him of lying, which will cause him to totally shut down. Showing him the text will be enough. If he's caught, he'll know it and either confess to lying, go on the defensive (big red flag that he knows he did something he shouldn't have), dismiss it (another red flag that he's avoiding the situation and therefore likely trying to cover something up)  or will rationally explain the text.

November 14, 2009 | | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)

November 13, 2009

Guys, Why So Afraid To Just Say No?

Here's an interesting post from Dating Coach Kira SabinMoxieoctober1120095bx

A few times I have been out with my friend G and all of a sudden his blackberry will light up.  He will look at it and then shake his head.  Once again, it is a woman who had a conversation with ONE evening and now she texts him 2 or 3 nights a week.  Numerous times, while I have been in his presence, asking him to join her for a glass of wine.  He has never said yes, he has never led her on or to believe that he is interested.  Yet still, she texts. One of my other clients has been waking up to texts saying things like “good morning handsome” and “have been missin’ you” with a woman he has been out with on TWO dates.  Really?Another client was told by a woman he had been on THREE dates with that he was not being affectionate enough and obviously was not interested in her.  Even though he is recently out of a divorce and told her that he needed to take it slow.  True story.By the way, do not say that these women are just “young and don’t get it”.  They are all over 40.Here is the deal.  These are nice guys.  Really nice, but they have no idea how to deal with these situations and although these women could have been possibilities at some point, these guys are backed into a corner scratching their heads wondering how to get the hell out.  These are the types of guys you WANT to date.  They are smart, funny, attractive, successful...the whole package.  But coming on to them with the full court press has left them confused and even a little frightened.  It is making it harder on the rest of single women everywhere and is certainly not going to get you quality dates.

Okay...here's the problem I have with this. Why don't these men just pull on their Pull Ups and tell these women they aren't interested?

I already know what the answer will be from most of you guys: "But..what if she's CRAZEE! I don't want to deal with being stalked!"

To which I say...man up. If something is truly bothering you to the point where you are uncomfortable, then you need to step in and say something. To let it go on says one of two things about you...either you're relying on some stereotype to excuse not doing the right thing OR...you like it. For as many men who feel genuine concern, there's just as many men who secretly get off on the idea of having "a stalker" or thinking someone is "obsessed" with you.

I have the same male friends who encounter the same kinds of women. And, like the women, they're all in their late thirties to early forties. These men don't shoo these women away because they like the attention. Plain and simple. That and they just don't have the balls to say "Thanks, but I'm not interested." Because they might be interested eventually. So they don't turn the woman away because, hey, who knows what might happen in a month. Or when they're experiencing a sexual dry spell. We all like to have those break in case of emergency people in our cell phones. If he didn't like the woman, then he should have either not given out his number OR just taken hers.

You said it yourself, they're nice guys. Now these women who probably dissed and dismissed the nice guys throughout their twenties and early thirties are realizing that there are very few of the good ones left. So they are trying to seize the moment and not let the guy get away. We, meaning women over 35 or so, know that there's a small window of opportunity to get that guy interested in us. If they're that great, then it stands to reason that someone will catch their eye. We want that opportunity to let that guy she how great we are. The problem is, we sometimes push too hard. Either because we've bought in to the whole Samantha Jones/empowered female thing or because..well..we're lonely. Doesn't mean we're investing in night vision goggles, a shovel and a roll of lime. Yes, if a guy never seems to be available to meet for a drink or very responsive, the woman should just drop it. To continue to pursue a guy who never has a free hour or two to spare for you makes you look desperate. (That includes the "booty call" guys.)

All this makes me wonder what these male friends are saying to these women. Sure, the women could be reading messages into the guy's words that aren't there. But the one phrase we get and don't have to overanalyze is, "Thanks, but I'm not interested." Or "Thanks, but I'm seeing someone." I do believe that some women can be too aggressive. But they can't all be completely oblivious to the obvious. My guess is that at least half the guys who are whining about a woman being too aggressive have done something to encourage her and actually likes the attention. And for as many overly aggressive women out there, there are just as many lacking in character men who will allow a woman to completely humiliate herself just because they get off watching her suffer at his expense. And those guys? Well, they date the same woman over and over again...the vulnerable ones. That's why I always say that acting too bawdy or overly confident is usually a sign that someone is really quite insecure. These predatory guys? They sniff that a mile away. They seek out the women who feign confidence and assertiveness because they know what's truly lurking behind it. They don't just date "crazy women. They date "vulnerable" women. They can spot vulnerable a mile away.


November 13, 2009 | | Comments (28) | TrackBack (0)

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