......And THAT'S Why You're Single

You Can't Always Get What You Want

A couple weeks ago I briefly mentioned on the private blog that I was emailing with a man who was recently separated. The emails tapered off last week and I assumed that was that. No harm no foul. That's the way the cookie crumbles. This morning I awoke to this email:

At the moment I think I'm concluding I'm probably not ideal match.com material, where folks are a bit (reasonably) serious minded. After my long marriage (22 yrs) and maybe it's a midlife crisis too, I'm concluding for at least the near term, I want a passionate, sexual affair. Respectful, of course and with someone who is like minded. Still though - with Chemistry and not a one night stand. - I realize I sound shallow, and I am not - but I sense that match may not be on match.com. So apologies for chewing up your time. (Happy to take referrals of this alternate possibilities. : ) (Kidding)

I was so not invested in this guy that the email actually made me chuckle and wish him luck. I found his honesty refreshing. I wondered if this kind of honesty was the norm 22 years ago before he was married. I have a great deal of sympathy for people who jump back in to the dating pool after a few years being out. Things have changed so much, and continue to change, that returning to the scene after only a year or two of being coupled up can put you in a tailspin. The only thing this guy knows he wants is the same thing he likely wanted when he was married - more sex. Beyond that he hasn't a clue. I'd bet his head is just mush. It's a strange new world out there for him.

A passionate, sexual affair. Immediately all sorts of scenes from movies pop in to my head. Ahh, yes. Fiction. Even when we're fantasizing about having that spicy, intense sexual fling, our expectations are still way out of wack. That sex is never as good as we want it to be. Nothing every goes as planned or hoped. It's clumsy or sloppy. Rarely is the first time you have sex with that person as good as you hope. Even in the no string relationships, there's work and effort involved.

I wonder if he knows that. Few women will simply invite him over to their place for sex. There will still have to be a formalized meet and greet. For one she has to make sure the guy isn't a sociopath. For two she wants to feel less promiscuous. So they'll have a "date." Maybe she'll take him home, maybe she won't. Depends on whether or not she's comfortable with meeting a guy and screwing him "on the first date." If it's simplicity he's looking for, I'm not really sure he's going to find it.

This guy is hoping to fulfill all of the fantasies he stored up during his marriage. The three ways, the sex in public, the blow job on command, the sex in the office. That's what he wants. And he wants it with a woman who won't get invested in him emotionally because, at this point, he's just burnt on emotions.

That or he and his wife are still trying to work things out and he's going to try and get all the sex he can in before he moves back home. He very well might decide that what's out there now doesn't appeal to him. Maybe being single for awhile will make him more appreciative of what he had (if he had it.)

I have no idea why he marriage didn't work. But I'm sure there had to be a bit of "the grass is greener" going on. Married people think us singles have it good. Some of us single people would trade what we have for the stability of commitment. The marrieds want freedom and variety and more sex. Singles want stability and security and sex. We always want something... more. Then we get it and we start to wonder if we ever truly wanted it at all. We worry that we're missing out on something. We expect things to be better or different or easier. It never is. I mean, it is in some ways. But it's rarely..enough.

We spend so much of our time wanting more. The desire to have what we think others have is powerful. It tricks us in to believing that, if we just could have what they're having, we'd be happy. What we don't do nearly enough is examine those wants and determine if we actually need them.Like the song says, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. That's the trick that so many people overlook. People like the perpetual singles constantly dismissing people for shallow reasons. Or the randy married guy who seeks an ego stroke. The things we want are hardly ever the things we truly need to survive and be happy. Does this guy "need" sex. Probably not. But he thinks he does.

It's the constant wanting of more that gets in our way. We want more chemistry, more attraction, more fun, more sex, more freedom. More, more, more. If we spent less time focused on what we thought we wanted and figured out what we actually needed, I think we'd be a lot more satisfied.

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The Blame Game

Name: smartnsexycitygirl |  | Location: Boston , MA |Question: I met a guy last summer, dated him for about a month, it was nice to hang out together, he was interesting to chat with (he is smart and interesting), and sex was great. Then he disappeared, stopped calling. I texted him a couple of times asking how he was, he didn't respond. So I stopped texting. Then, after maybe two weeks he sends me an email saying that he is very sorry, but he reconnected with his old girlfriend, so he can't continue a relationship with me. He apologized. I was very upset, couldn't believe he could do such thing to me, especially as I saw this girl at a party. He  introduced me to her at that party, and I thought they were just friends: that's what he wanted me to think. It was right before we started dating! Now, as few months have passed since we broke up, I continue to see him at different parties (we have mutual friends), and sometimes I see him with him girlfriend. But every time I see him alone, he says that he still likes me, that his relationship with that girl is not very serious, and that he wants to spend a night with me! One time it really happened, we spent a night at my place. I don't know what to do with that - try to forget him or try to pull him back. I still like him even though I can see how bad is what he is doing...It's just complicated because we have many mutual friends, and it's hard to completely stop seeing each other... |Age: 36

You are an almost 40 year old woman who bought in to this guy's line of BS. You're just too old to be that naive.

Next, this situation isn't complicated. You're choosing to make it so by showing up at every party when you know he's going to be there. Here's an idea...stay home. Find new friends. Find other things to do that don't involve running in to this guy. There's no need to torture yourself that way. All you're going to do is read in to every little thing he says and does.Yes, I realize I'm being dismissive and maybe even a bit simplistic, but the solution to this problem really is just simple common sense. Avoid him.

Just because the resolution isn't involved or complicated doesn't mean that the advice isn't valid or even

It's complicated.

No it's not. We make it complicated. We need it to be complicated so that we can ignore most of the feedback we receive and side step accountability. We need it to be involved and difficult because we want our experience to be unique.

"Don't you think I want to just walk away? Don't you think I wish I could?"

Nope. Because if you did want to walk away, you would. We choose to stay involved in unhealthy situation. We make conscious decisions to go back to the empty well. It's our refusal to confront and own our choices that makes these situations so dramatic and hurtful.Nobody can force you to return to them or stay invested. Nobody can "make" you fall back in love with them or "make" you ignore your instincts and reasoning. Only YOU can do that. Playing the blame game just keeps from doing the proper kind and amount of healing.

It's quite possible, when you first met both of them at that party, they were broken up. Maybe they were fighting, who knows? All of that doesn't matter. The whys aren't important. The main thing to focus on is that this guy is not interested in dating you. He's not. So don't even begin to entertain those fantasies where he shows up on your doorstep to announce he's left his girlfriend for you and then you two go on to make sweet, sweet love. It ain't happening. You can't pull him back because he was never yours to begin with. He probably cheated on his girlfriend with you, got what he wanted, and bailed. Sorry to be so blunt but I refuse to indulge this kind of angsty drama wherein the woman victimizes herself. Especially after you admit to spending the night with this guy you know has a girlfriend. You're not 25. You're almost 40!

He's going to tell you whatever it is he thinks will get you to lie down for him. In your case, he's going to make you think there's a possibility that he'll leave his girlfriend and be with you. HE WON'T. He might leave his girlfriend, but he's never going to be the boyfriend you want him to be. You have to get that thought out of your head. You can not feed in to this sort of misguided hope. He's showing you the type of man he is. Pay attention.

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Get Your Shit Together

A few weeks ago I read a scathingly brilliant post on Gawker about an NYU professor who mass emailed  his students and brilliant rebuttal he sent to a whiny student. The student in question had decided to audit three different classes one night, the first Monday of the Semester, before he chose one to take for the rest of the term. So the student went from class to class, sitting in for 30 minutes or so, then getting up and heading to the next class. The unsuspecting student was sufficiently humiliated when one instructor, Scott Galloway, decided to put the little pisser in his place by refusing to let him join his class an hour after it began. The student then goes home and writes the instructor an email stating that he felt the instructor's policy was unfair given it was the first day of the semester.

Heh. Here's an except from he professor's response:

You state that, having not taken my class, it would be impossible to know our policy of not allowing people to walk in an hour late. Most risk analysis offers that in the face of substantial uncertainty, you opt for the more conservative path or hedge your bet (e.g., do not show up an hour late until you know the professor has an explicit policy for tolerating disrespectful behavior, check with the TA before class, etc.). I hope the lottery winner that is your recently crowned Monday evening Professor is teaching Judgement and Decision Making or Critical Thinking.

In addition, your logic effectively means you cannot be held accountable for any code of conduct before taking a class. For the record, we also have no stated policy against bursting into show tunes in the middle of class, urinating on desks or taking that revolutionary hair removal system for a spin. However, xxxx, there is a baseline level of decorum (i.e., manners) that we expect of grown men and women who the admissions department have deemed tomorrow's business leaders.

xxxx, get your shit together.

Exactly. Get your shit together. As much as we'd all like to be free to be you and me and hold hands and sing kumbaya, there are just some dating & relationship related things that you can no longer get away with after a certain point. And I'm not just talking about turning a specific age and having certain expectations put up on you. I'm talking about prolonged behavior in general. Things like:

1. Using your job as an excuse - Ok, so you work a very high pressured job, or you work long hours, or your starting a business or working for yourself. You get some time to devote to the job, enough to get you situated. But if you've been at something for a few years and you're still working over over time to prove yourself, or you're choosing to spend weekends in the office, then you either made a very bad choice of career or you're hiding.

2. Making out in bars/Crying in bars/Fighting in bars - All of these showcase a complete lack of impulse control and poorly managed emotions. These episodes should rarely if ever happen past the age of thirty.

3. Being suckered by a pretty face/hot body/false promises - As adults, we know when someone is up to know good. For those of us who have been online dating for longer than 6 months, we can spot the ne'er do well from miles away...right? Any guy who posts shirtless photos of themselves, or woman who posts cleavage shots taken from space are not going to make healthy, productive partners. They're either looking for sex or looking to use sex to get love. Either way, it's a lose/lose for you. Unless of course you just want sex. But even in those cases watch out for the ol' bait and switch. That six pack torso? Yeah, that was him at 32. He's 40 now and those abs are no longer there. Stop making excuses for people that you know are not going to be able to gibe you what you want. You're not meeting these men/women out of curiosity or because you have nothing better to do. You're meeting up with them because you secretly would like to date them. Only you're know how damaged/messed up/wrong for you they are and you're afraid to admit the truth for fear of looking damaged/messed up, too.

4. Not using protection - I don't care how old you are, if you go along with anyone who is not your exclusive partner and let them coerce you in to not using condoms, snap out of it. The old, "I just got tested" routine shouldn't even register with you.

5. "Accidentally" getting pregnant - I was discussing this on the private blog this past weekend. In one post I brought up the pregnancy of Real Housewives of NYC Bethenny Frankel. The next day I had my own scare with a man I'd recent begun dating. How does anyone over the age of 25 accidentally get pregnant, especially with The Morning After Pill being readily available at most pharmacies or through our gynecologists.

6. Wardrobe Malfunctions - Again, I'll cite the Real Housewives of NYC. Come on, Ladies. You're almost 45-50 years old. It's The Hamptons. Not South Beach. Leave the cutesy skirts and sheared suits and plunging neck lines for the kids. Stop wearing outfits you see on the twenty somethings. Which doesn't mean stop wearing mini skirts or certain pieces. Just wear them with class. You can pair pieces with a sexy one piece robe or tights or boots or a sweater/jacket and still look sexy without looking like you're trying too hard. Guys? Button the shirt buttons. Stop wearing the too tight jeans that show everyone on which side you dress. Burn every single one of those tank tops. Gold chains, too. It barely worked for Magnum PI. It ain't working for you.

7. Dating the Mr./Ms. Wrong - Ok, listen. We all get a pass or two. We are all culpable for having our judgment clouded for one reason or another. But if you're someone who consistently picks, dates, attracts people who ultimately are not good for you, it's time for tough love.  You've got issues. Big ones. And you better figure out what they are and do something to re-wire the system pronto or you will be alone for the rest of your life. And by alone I don't just mean without a life partner. I also mean you'll have no friends because the ones you did have will ditch you for being too toxic. 

8. Not Learning From Past Mistakes - Yes, I know, we all like the idea of being hopeful. But there's a difference between being hopeful a relationship will work out and being ignorant or resistant to reality. When we're younger we buy in to the ideas of fate and kismet and all that. Continuously falling for someone's lines and stories and promises says only one thing..you don't learn. You can't or you choose not to because the alternative - being alone or not having someone to focus on - is too lonely and dark. You get away with this for only so long before you're deemed a lost cause. It's the Fool Me Once Rule. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I'm a glutton for punishment. Fool me four times and I enjoy being a victim.

9. Getting Revenge/Being Cruel - Another recent Gawker story was about a woman who bought a billboard to publicly out her relationship with the married man who wouldn't leave his wife. Then there's the ridiculous lawsuits brought on by one of Tiger Wood's' mistresses. Here's the deal. If you knowingly get involved with someone already taken, you lose your right to play the victim card. And if you didn't learn in college that screwing your friend's ex only made you look petty and immature, then you have some catching up to do. You can get away with doing stupid, thoughtless, heat of the moment things when you're young. But putting up a billboard? Doing a Google search or combing through someone's Facebook page? That takes time and thought. You don't get free passes on calculated vindictiveness. Especially the kind that has collateral damage, like children or a spouse/partner. If you're someone who frequently hits below the belt in arguments, you're another case. When you're only response to an accusation or uncomfortable topic is to get personal and nasty, you display a frightening level of emotional immaturity and instability. If you're the person who sends a stream of nasty texts, emails or voice mails, you're not just hurt.  You're emotionally unbalanced in some way and should tend to that.

Got anymore?

How Come Guys Keep Propositioning Her?

Name: wnderwoman |  Location: New York , N |Question: Is is that I don't understand men?  Or do I consistently meet the wrong guy?  I ask because during or before the first date, the man is either showing me his privates via webcam or MMS, or is dropping not too subtle hints about how he would like me to "meet the stallion" or bend me over a chair. 

For example, I recently went on a first date with a very funny and sweet gentleman.  We took me to dinner and then we went to a pub for drinks.  As the evening went on, he kept saying, between sentences, how he would like to go back to my place to make-out..."but it's not pressure...".  Now I am very attracted to him, however I could not help but feel a little offended.  In fact, the thought that for what I am looking for, he was being a bit too forward.  I politely declined.  He offered to take me home and got in a cab with me.  What started out as a very friendly kiss in the cab became a make-out session with him hands starting to go under my dress!  I, of course, put a stop to that.

I rarely go on dates because of what I explained above.  ...and I'm pretty sure that I am not doing anything to provoke him.  I still hold true to the fact that if a man is really interested in you, he will wait LONGER than ONE date to put the moves on.  ...but how is it that almost everytime I go out on a date or interact with some guy online, sex is the primary subject?  Is it that I truly do not understand men?  Am I being too harsh on men, or are these guys that I have gone out with truly pigs? |Age: 29

Yes, most men have the couth to keep their fly zipped through one date. Usually those are the guys who could be looking for something more substantive versus a one nighter. Guys who try to initiate any kind of sex or sexual activity on a first date - and I'm talking initiate in an overt way - are just looking to get laid. If they're being that bold and that aggressive, then they don't care one bit what sort of impression they are making.

I think when you draw a line it has to be a big, bold, thick one.  For some reason, the men you meet disregard the boundaries you set. Now, either you do in fact consistently date pigs OR...you're sending mixed signals. Whatever the case is, you need to make sure you don't put yourself in positions where you're vulnerable. If a guy is being lascivious or too sexual, you need to make it clear you don't care for it and be prepared to walk. You have to understand that you really don't have to do much to give a sexed up guy the wrong impression. If he has sex on the brain, then everything you do will be construed as sexual. That's why you have to pay more attention to the initial conversations. Lots of innuendo? Then they're looking to get laid. You need to steer the conversation away from whatever subject is being sexualized. If the guy goes back to it, he's just looking to get laid.

Don't let your dates go on so long that your date gets too tipsy or drunk. And don't you get too tipsy or drunk. This is a side topic, but one that kind of fits here.....am I the only person who gets uncomfortable when their date has more than 2 drinks on a first date? Maybe it's becuase I don't really drink, but that always makes me wonder if my date has an issue with booze.

Something else...when grabbing a cab home....don't let a guy who's been grabby or too sexually aggressive on your date in a cab with you. For one, you're literally trapped. For two, these guys use those 4-6 minutes to try and get you so hot and bothered that you'll tell the cab driver only to make one stop and not two. Let him walk you to a cab and see you inside one and that's it.

Men don't typically go for the sex talk without provocation. You're either saying something in your profile that is making them think you're open to sex or you're using the wrong sites. Beware: when you make mentions of anything that can be construed as sexual, everything else you say is drowned out. Go back to your profile and look for word choices that could be considered sexual. Word like "open minded" "adventurous" "sensual" etc. Also, if you say in your ad you like sex, or that you can't live without condoms or whatever, expect to meet men who assume you're the free spirited sex on the first date girl.

If you're accepting dates with men who speak to you in a way that makes you uncomfortable or who become sexual with you too soon, then you're putting yourself in a bad situation. These men aren't going to suddenly change and decide they want you for a girlfriend. And by accepting dates with them you are, to them, saying to accept their sleazy behavior. Men rarely make such overly sexualized comments without getting some kind of green light. Either you're meeting these men in the wrong place or your sending signals of some kind.

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

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Got a dating related question? Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It’s Free! Look for Moxie’s response and feedback from others SUBMIT YOUR DATING ADVICE QUESTIONS HERE: http://moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

Following The 90 Day Rule & Other Reasons Why You're Single

Name: Clint Eastwoodette |  Location: Huntington Beach , CA |Question: I ran into someone from my old high school at a party a month ago.  He turned out to be a Los Angeles Sheriff (he deals with gangs in LA) who is still single, and without kids, like me.  We went out a few times.... and then this last weekend we had sex within a month of initially meeting back up. 

The sex was ok...but then the next day, I met his family....had dinner with them...I was invited to come back to their house the next day - but I had to do some work instead, so I could not go.  And now he has not called me back. 

What is the rule about sex?  Initially, it was supposed to be 90 days after meeting someone (even if I have known him for 20 yrs)...then he is supposed to call me back first....and then I have to wait until he calls/texts me?  Or is it a sign that it was not good....so forget it.  I am so in a pickle...I left my high school when I graduated....but it has come back up. 

Did I ruin any chance of a long term relationship with him since I ignored the 90 day rule?  Or am I being over-anxious and just let things happen? |Age: 35

OK. Maybe I'm just old but...what the hell is the 90 day rule? Can some please share with the rest of the class?

Here's what I think. I think there are a ton of  dating "rules" out there that, if followed too strictly, will leave you with analysis paralysis. Let's break down some of these "rules" shall we?

1. The 3 Day Rule - Someone asks for someone's number. In order to avoid looking too desperate, this rule dictates that the person who asked for the number wait at least 3 days before they call. Day 1 starts the night you met. Is it a bad rule to follow? No. But with dating the way it is now, with all the ways available for people to meet and flirt, those 3 days could be too long of a window. I used to say wait about 36 hours.  Now I'm not sure I'd still give that advice.  I'd say contact the person when it feels right. That means right in your gut as well as right as in the appropriate time of day. Call the first time anytime after 10pm, or call when you're already out at a bar or if it's after 11pm and you'll look lazy. If you hesitate, it's because you truly believe it's too soon to call.

2. The 3 Date Rule - This is the sex rule. This rule is is double edged. One side of the rule says that if  you have sex anytime after (but not including) the 2nd date you won't look easy. The other said says that sex is expected by end of date 3. If sex doesn't happen, then you're in "the friend zone." Again I'll cite the ease in which people can get laid if they really want to via the internet. If they really like someone, they'll wait it out for a couple months, using the world wide web as their recourse if needed. But if they're on the fence, and sex isn't happening by date 3, they're mentally moving on. No rule should allow you to decide when it's ok to have sex. That's totally subjective and differs for every person, which is why some generalized rule doesn't work. It is fair to say that this is an accurate guideline. The belief is that physical intimacy of some kind (not necessarily intercourse) should occur by Date 3 in order to convey genuine physical and emotional attraction.

3. The "He Should Call The Day After You Have Sex For The First Time" Rule - I never really considered this a rule until I did an informal poll. Apparently, the rule is that the man is supposed to call the woman within 24 hours after having sex for the first time. Women would like this rule to be about chivalry, but really it's just a way for women to not feel embarrassed about screwing on the 1st or 2nd date. Basically, it's the man's job to help the women maintain her virtue by calling her the next day and "proving" he's not just after the sex. Whatever. If a guy man really likes a woman, he's calling her the next day regardless. If you need a guy to call you so you feel less easy, then hold off on having sex. Simple, right? Besides, men know we expect this so now the gesture has lost it's meaning. Guys do it because they think they have to in order to get laid again.

4. The 3 Day Rule - Part Deux - When someone takes your number, they're supposed to call within 3 days or else they're not interested. This rule shouldn't even be a rule anymore. Even though texting has made it "easier" for people to communicate, you have one gender that struggles to make small talk versus one that makes it with ease. Men reach out when they know they can ask you out and have a plan, usually not before. Expecting a man to send a text and say "Great to meet you tonight!" is a high expectation. Men just don't think that way. Give someone at least a week to follow up with you. If they contact you more than a week and a half later, they either already have a relationship or aren't looking for one. Which ever it is, they're self-absorbed nature has prevented them from contacting you sooner.

5. You Should Meet Their Friends/Family Within 2 or 3 Months of Dating - I think a lot of this has to do with timing as well as how private your partner is. Lots of people hate mixing their worlds (*raises hand!!*.) It's not that they're embarrassed or ashamed by you, necessarily. I never tell my Dad when I have a date. Well, rarely. Mainly because he gets more excited than I do. I tend to keep that information to myself until I know there's potential. Some people just don't want to get their parent's hopes up. Others don't want to introduce another new person to the clique that might not be there 2 months later. Maybe they're friends or family have been the reason some of their relationships ended. Maybe they're trying to protect you from what they believe are "crazy" relatives or "difficult" friends.  I think 6 months is a decent amount of time to let someone determine if you're relationship has a future. If you make it that long, there's promise, and so now it's time to get an outsider's perspective.

6. If They Don't Say They'll Call You or Make Tentative Plans for Date 2 at The End of Date 1, You Won't Hear From Them - I think this is a pretty steadfast rule. You can reach out a few days later, as it never hurts to give things a try and because you have no idea what impressions they got from the date. But I'd say 90% of the time this rule is pretty reliable.

7. If He Doesn't Pay The Bill on The First Date He's Not Interested - My personal feeling is if he likes you, he pays. Forget all this crap about equal rights. Men know that if they don't pay the pill, their stock goes down in a woman's eyes. If they like the woman, they're paying. Period.

8. If She Doesn't Offer To Pay She's a Gold Digger - Wrong. While I always say a woman should offer to pay or at least insist on paying the tip, if she doesn't, it could just be that she doesn't want to embarrass the guy by pushing him to allow her to pay her half.

9. If You've Been Dating for At Least 2 Years & Still Aren't Living Together/Engaged, You Never Will Be - Agreed. That is unless you've both discussed things and decided that you prefer a more non-traditional relationship. But if you're both on the marriage and family track, 2 years is the deadline in my mind. Either shit or get off the pot. You've had enough time to to decide how compatible you and your mate are. If you're not there yet mentally, it's because something is holding you back.

10. If The Spark Isn't There On the First Date, Then It Never Will Be - I think this one is a 50/50 split. I think MANY people have found chemistry with someone even when it wasn't present on the first date. Here's what I've noticed...the people who always complain about how difficult it is to find men/women who really trip their switch are the same people who frequently take up with mates who are emotionally unavailable to some degree. In those situations, the "spark" or "tug" they feel isn't actual attraction but angst and longing because they know they'll never actually have that person completely. If there's an attraction to anything, it's the drama and the self-victimization that comes from "dating" someone selfish or narcissistic.

Got any more???

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

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P.S? I need new questions for the column!!!!!

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Chemistry, Spark, Attraction

I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker last night. One of Patti's clients was a 42 year old female Spa Owner. She typically was only attracted to younger men, men in their twenties. Patti introduced her to several men, some in their twenties. The woman's eyes nearly popped out of her head every time one of the young cubs was pranced in front of her. In the end Patti coerced her Cougar Client to go out with a man who was extremely handsome..but 51. Miss Cougar went down to greet him when he came to pick her up for her date (she had already met him before she agreed to go out with him.) She said hello, kissed him on the cheek, then literally spun around on her Loubitins and pranced back to her room. "He looked 100 years old!" she shrieked in the lobby of the hotel. "Was she trying to set me up??!?!?" Total bat shit craziness. Despite the fact that all of her young cubs, by her admission in her interview, always abandoned her she preferred the company of a young, hot guy.

Same for the 50 year old financier that hired Patti to find him a girlfriend. He was a great looking guy, ex-model, millionaire...and he still wanted his own kids. So you knew he was never going to settle down with the 41 year old beautiful millionaire divorcee Mom with 3 grown kids who still wanted one more baby. Nope. Despite the shared interests and similar backgrounds...this guy wanted the 25 year old waitress.

These two lunatics from the show, I think, felt entitled to a certain type of mate. The 42 year old Cougar clearly believed because she was wealthy (a millionaire) she "deserved" a hot young guy. And the 50 year old financier, I think, wanted a woman that he felt society or his crowd thought he "should" be with.

I understand that physical attraction is not the key to a lasting relationship, but it may be the key to a  spark.  And I fail to comprehend the campaign against it.  - Lucky Girl

There is no campaign against needing to feel drawn to or attracted to someone in order to date them.

There's a campaign against women and men not being self-aware enough to be able to determine whether the people they are consistently attracted to are right for them in the first place.

Are you drawn to a specific type of person because they are compatible with you or because they give you some false sense of confidence? That's what people are getting at when they question someone's potentially shallow  intentions.

We're not trying to suggest people settle and give up on That Spark. We're just suggesting that maybe people make note of the fact that the things they are drawn to tend to lead them down pretty dysfunctional and disappointing paths.

At some point you have to stop and ask yourself if what you're attracted to actually works for you. Maybe you want to date someone that raises your social status a bit. Or who makes you feel more confident. Or maybe you're still holding on to this idea of what you "should" be dating or what you used to be able to pull when you were younger or thinner or richer.

In those cases that's not about attraction or chemistry. That's about your ego.

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

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P.S? I need new questions for the column!!!!!

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How Do You Know If It's Actually a Date?

Name: Anonymously Confused |  | Location: Fairfax , VA |Question: Hi--
I met this guy through a meetup group, and after a party event he contacted me through the meetup site saying he enjoyed the party and talking to me. We'd both been members of this group and attended other events for a few months by then. Anyway, we exchanged a few messages, and then for a month--nothing. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, he started emailing me again saying that he had really meant to respond to me but accidently got rid of his meetup.com emails, which included mine. So for the last few weeks we've been exchanging emails, and last Friday he asked me out for coffee on Sunday. We had coffee Sunday (yesterday), and we had a really wide ranging conversation. I did kind of feel that "spark". He's got a cute smile, is really smart, and has similar interests to mine. After just over an hour, he said he had to go, but said that we need to do this again--next weekend. I enthusiastically agreed. He said he had my number, so he could call. Now my questions are the following--firstly, usually guys on the first date (if this even was a date) are trying to touch me in some capacity. He didn't at all. Why? Secondly--I've heard the whole "hey let's do this again sometime" before and nothing comes to fruition. I don't think this is the case with him though. Am I assuming too much in thinking that he will ask me out again? Thirdly--I do not want to approach him first. He's the one who asked me for a second date, and I don't want to pressure him and seem needy. After all, I could be seeing him again in the same meetup group. Is this the right approach?  |Age: 26

I'm pretty sure this wasn't a date. If it were, I think he would have taken the time right then to make tentative plans for the second date. Instead he almost brushed you off by saying "I have your number."

I've had this same thing happen to me. I thought a guy I met through Meetup was asking me on pre-dateish date. He was actually looking to network for his business.

Your guy got rid of his Meetup emails? Um..he couldn't go back to his Sent file and find your messages? Sounds like an excuse to me. How did he happen to manage to find your email when for a month he thought it was lost?

He's either dating multiple people or just looking to date or just looking for friends. What he's not looking for is to be too obligated to anyone.

He didn't try to touch you because it likely wasn't a date. He might ask you to get together again, but I don't believe he is looking for anything all that serious or substantive. You could be presuming too much when you say he "asked you our for a second date." He casually asked you to hang out again. That's it. You're putting too much pressure on this guy and the situation. If he is interested, it's at a very minimal level. You need to taper down you're level of investment so you don't get too disappointed.

The funny thing is, even if a guy is physically/romantically interested in a woman and suggests theY go out, he'll totally back pedal if the women calls him on being flaky or sending mixed messages.

"What? I just wanted to get to know you because you seem cool. I figured we could just meet for a drink!"

"I'm a flirt by nature."

"I thought we were just hanging out.."

When someone does that that's a clear cut sign that they aren't mature enough to handle an adult relationship. In a really sneaky way they're trying to make you think the attraction was all in your head. Gaslighting. How romantic. Yes, you felt a spark. But that doesn't mean he did. I know it seems like the feeling and chemistry is mutual but a lot of times it truly is in our heads. We see or feel what we want to see or feel.

Your guy, it sounds like, is just looking to make friends. I wouldn't get too hung up on him or the situation. Doesn't mean he won't be interested eventually. But right now I think he's just getting to know people and taking his time.

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

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P.S? I need new questions for the column!!!!!

Got a dating related question? Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It’s Free! Look for Moxie’s response and feedback from others SUBMIT YOUR DATING ADVICE QUESTIONS HERE: http://moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

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Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others

It's the idea of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others that for men the desire to get married drops significantly when they hit 37/38 (then again at 42/43). Many of the social mixers in NYC have a 15 year age range, which I think is just too much for trying to find a 30 something year old guy. If you want to look at competition, that's fine, but most people do marry people closer (+5, -5) to their age (that wasn't from this book, that's a DOH stat). Interestingly, this book said people will date people significantly younger/older, but not necessarily marry them.That said, the only events that cater to specific age ranges ARE speed-dating and I want something else. Are you interested in setting something up? I found it interesting that weekenddating actually checks IDs at the door. Something that I would want for this particular event. - Lorelei

Lorelei contacted me about organizing singles events where there's only a 10 year age range instead of the typical 15.

I want to discuss this book's theory that, by 37 or 38, many men lose the desire to get married. Even more alarming (at least for me) is that their interest drops even more once they hit 42 or 43.

Now, this isn't something I didn't already know. I've said before that a man who's 40+ and never married is highly, highly, highly unlikely to get married. Not to be confused with "settle down." I think plenty of men 38+ will maintain some form of a non-traditional committed relationship with a woman. But marriage? Well, I think the only reason they get married in the first place (or the main reason) is to have kids. The other reason is for emotional security. This is where I think many women my age (38-45) struggle.I think we've become so independent and so set in our ways, or maybe have been so rigid and picky, that it takes too long for us to convey a sense of nurturing or sensitivity to men. If kids aren't an option, then we better be able to provide them with emotional support.

I'd like to know, from men and women, if they've found men in their late thirties to late forties to be more resistant to marriage and/or settling down. If so, why?

Ladies, what about you...as you get older, do you find yourself losing your desire to get married or settle down as you get older?

Finally, for those of you who are married...what was it about your spouse that made you want to commit to them?

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How Can He Get Women To Give It Up Sooner?

Name: indyscott | | Location:  Chicago , IL |Question: I am forty-five, single, professional, and reside just outside Chicago.  I was divorced three years ago, and have had one significant relationship since then.

My question is twofold.  One struggle has been in meeting people of education, substance, and character.  Online dating feels fake, and too many people lie.  Too many other guys are jerks, predisposing women to expect this in me no matter what I do.  So, the first question is where is a good place to meet people?

The second dilemma begins when I do meet people.  It may sound strange coming from a guy, but I want to connect with someone emotionally before being intimate physically- but, and this will sound just like a guy, I hate to wait.  I find myself wanting to somehow either connect with women more quickly, or find that we do not, so that I can look elsewhere.  However, and I find this even more so within Chicago,many women have a distance they seem to prefer to keep people at.  How can you speed up this process? |Age: 45

Well, the first thing I'd suggest is taking your attitude down a notch or two. I have a hard time believing that you struggle to meet women - in Chicago no less - who are educated and who have substance. I'll bet you meet lots of them, they just aren't interested in you. That's what we call "dating our of our league." If the women you've primarily been attracted to you do not seem to return the interest, then guess what? They're out of your league. Time to re-evaluate.

This is a common battle cry I hear from people in their late thirties to early forties. Nobody is good enough, everybody has this one major flaw that makes them undateable. Meanwhile, sorry folks, the ones who constantly pick over men and women online and reject, reject, reject are usually the ones that come with the most baggage. Sure they might look great on paper. But in person and in a relationship? They're need for perfection is actually just need. Here's a tip to those in their mid/late thirties and early forties who are almost always single. Have a bunch of strangers critique your online dating profile, photo or some essay you write about yourself. Get a perspective from people who are not invested in you're life or who aren't in a position where they have to kiss your ass.

I understand why education is important to you. But if you need Masters Degree just to have a conversation with you or to relate to you, then you're the one lacking in substance. I know plenty of people who never went to college and who can talk circles around my friends with MBAs about various topics. There is such a thing as The School of Life, you know. There are these things called books out there. You don't need a college degree to read 'em.

All that said....there are plenty of ways to meet people - men and women - of substance and style. Go to art gallery openings or book readings. Join a Book Club. Join a Wine Group or go to a Wine Tasting. The higher the admission fee, the better the quality of attendees. Forget happy hours or cheesey free Meetups at dive bars. Better yet..Organize something yourself! Start a Meetup Group for Upscale Events only or (if you must) Ivy Leaguers only and then have monthly Meetups. Most cities have a Calendar section to their newspapers. Look through it to try and find some cultural events. Join a Film Society. Take a cooking class. Join an Investors group to learn more about Financial Management. Join an athletic group or a cultural group. I used to belong to a group that met once a month and we discussed different issues that related to Italian Americans.

Now, as for how to get a woman to open up faster...here's the thing. I believe that women you meet online are more likely to open up faster than women you meet in person. You have more time, so to speak, to engage her and she has more time to let down her walls a bit. I'll even go so far as to say that the women you meet online are much more likely to sleep with you quicker than women you meet in real life. Why? Because they've had enough crappy dates to be able to spot a good one. Although a dating coach here in NYC recently DM'd me and said that he tells his students that women who use online dating sites are easier and more desperate. I don't know if I'd say we're more desperate, but we're certainly less tolerant of bullshit. Yeah, there's a decent sized segment of the market that is anxious to keep a guy interested, but for the most part if a woman sleeps with you on the first few dates it's because she's decided you've got real potential.

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

PLAN A BACHELORETTE PARTY OR GIRLS NIGHT OUT! - Get your girlfriends together and host a private Lapdance or Fellatio Class. We'll come to your home or hotel room and conduct the class. Or we can book a private room in a lounge or studio so you can have your private class. GET MORE DETAILS

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Political Leanings

When I meet new people, I don't typically ask them with what political party they are affiliated. I assume that I'll find out soon enough. I am hardly what you'd call well read about the current state of our government or our political system so I usually pipe down and just listen when any such topics come up.

The other night I was talking to a friend who happens to work in a politically related job. We were discussing gay marriage. I was on my soap box pontificating about why I believed gays should be able to get married. My friend just listened. In the middle of my speech, I heard him say "Rudy..come here! C'mere, boy."

He was talking to his dog. "Oh..Rudy? After Rudy Baylor?" You know, that Sean Astin movie about a young guy who wanted so badly to play for Notre Dame that he pretended to be a student just to get on the field, who finally gets his few minutes of game time in his senior year? That's a must see for many guys, so I assumed that was the dog's name sake.

"No.." my friend said. "Rudy as in Rudy Giuliani."

Oh. Ohhhhh. He was a Republican. The funny thing is, with the exception of a couple comments here and there, I never would have known. We don't talk often about politics so it never came up. As it turns out, he told me voted against gay marriage in the last round of voting. I asked him why, he told me, I countered, he countered back. Then we changed the subject. It was the same conversation I had with my best friend Karen, who is fascinated and involved in the fashion scene. Her closest friends are stylists and make up artists. But when I asked her how she felt about Gay Marriage, she didn't even have to think twice. "Nope. I love my gay friends to death. But marriage is between a man and a woman." She feels how she feels, I feel how I feel. We disagree, but I admire her willingness to stick by her beliefs. I've always admired her religious faith. I can't now turn around and call her hateful or ignorant when up until this point everything she's every said in regards to her faith I have agreed with.

It was funny that my male friend and I had the conversation we had that night, as it came right after I had read a post from Lucky Girl about an email exchange she was having with a man from an online dating website. At the bottom of his profile he stated "Obama supporters need not apply." Conflict ensued. (Read the whole post to get the gist of that story.)

Why cut off 50% of your options with a line like that? Unless the person could speak of nothing but politics all night, is it really so difficult to have a 10 minute exchange every once in awhile and listen to views that are the opposite of yours? The really surprising thing is that, now, there's so much cross-party ideologies and beliefs out there that you can no longer peg some one as a "typical" Democrat or Republican. So why limit yourself?

Here's one answer, I think. I think a lot of people will shy away from people who are more politically informed because they're afraid to have their ignorance and possibly even their self-absorbed nature exposed. They want to date someone like them so they feel more like an equal.

I understand how much easier it is to date someone who shares your interests and world views. But is it really so impossible to find companionship with someone who doesn't share your political beliefs or affiliations? I mean, honestly, how often does the topic if politics really come up? What gets me is when I hear people say they would "never" date someone who came from the opposing political party, but their own level of involvement in the party includes watching a couple of debates, maybe reading some lightening rod articles so they can have something to add to discussion and maybe attend a fund raiser or two. How committed could you possibly be?

I don't know. I just think this is another excuse people use to not get to know someone.But after a certain point, how many people are you going to cross off the list before you just stop having options all together?

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

PLAN A BACHELORETTE PARTY OR GIRLS NIGHT OUT! - Get your girlfriends together and host a private Lapdance or Fellatio Class. We'll come to your home or hotel room and conduct the class. Or we can book a private room in a lounge or studio so you can have your private class. GET MORE DETAILS

FELLATIO CLASSES FOR WOMEN - Interested in learning new techniques. Who isn`t? That`s the great thing about being in a room full of women. Not only will your instructor teach new ``twists`` to your technique, but you`ll also get feedback from the other women attending the workshop. CLASSES IN DC, BOSTON & NYC SCHEDULED FOR MARCH!

Dating Outside The Box

Name: KT | | Location: Birmingham , MI |Question: I left my husband a year ago.  the divorce is still not final.  However, I met a man I like a lot.  Last August.  So we've been hanging out.  We've agreed to keep it casual, meaning we aren't introducing each other to our kids or families.  It's just us right now and we only see each other once or twice a month.  Uhh..the sex is phoenominal.  He's a great guy, understanding, up front and honest.  We are on the same page...needing this to not be hugely serious, but enjoying the company of the opposite sex.  We have a lot on common too, same interests, tv shows, views on parenting, dislikes etc.He came over to my place the night before Valentine's Day and brought me flowers which threw me off guard.  I'm not sure if it's because I looked at this as really casual or because my husband just never acknowledged Valentine's Day so I expected nothing.  Then he started to get a little more distant.  We're talking less.  Unfortunately I'm starting to realize just how much I like him.  I don't want to take it up a notch and require us to spend more time together or get the kids/families involved.  I like the way it is.  I get my space and I get laid when I need it!  I know he needs the same space.  We've discussed it.So I told him that I "like him" and think he's a great guy.  He didn't acknowledge the comment.  And as I said he had started to be a little more distant. I'm not sure how to respond without playing games.  Suddenly I'm not contacting him, waiting for him to make the first move. How should I be handling this? |Age: 36

I honestly don't know. You have your mind set on what you do and don't want. Personally, I think you're in denial but...whatever.

The guy is trying to make an upgrade relationship wise. He doesn't want to be considered just a casual sex buddy. He probably likes you. And you sound like you like him. But you've been telling yourself for so long you weren't ready or interested in having a real relationship that now you believe it. Now you don't know what to do and you want people to tell you it's totally okay to pass this guy up and that you need to stay true to yourself and blah blah blah. You want everyone to justify your decision to keep this guy at arm's length so you can continue to play it safe.

You need to be honest with yourself and then honest with him. That's all you can do. Just understand that if you turn him away now, you're probably not getting him back. My suggestion is to stop looking for excuses why you shouldn't do something and focus on why you should.

On another note----my Facebook page got disabled. I had to create a new one, so please re-send me a Friend Request.

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