......And THAT'S Why You're Single

Recession Dinner Whoring

Today I received an email from a writer looking for a quote for an upcoming magazine article.

The topic was:

I am writing about 20 something women in Manhattan (and potentially some men) who to due the recession are now accepting dates with men who they would never have considered dating in the past, to get a free dinner/have a night on the town....these are intelligent and employed professionals, but with such uncertain futures they aren't going out and spending money anymore and to catch glimpses of what they used to be able to indulge in they are lowering "dating standards" and spending time with men they can't foresee any real future with. There have been several articles on how the dating world is changing due to the economic crisis but I haven't seen anything detailing this trend....the sect of women that I have been talking to are going out with the men that have little to offer them but money, something they never would have considered in the past. Lowering their standards, admitting that they are willing to spend an evening with a person they know lacks the qualities they are looking for, because they are willing to pick up the check. A full on lowering of standards, because in the end, being able to have the nice dinners and be in lavish settings is actually important to them.

What I would love from you would be a reaction to this...

Here was my reaction:

This isn't about a woman's need to lower her standards. This is about women who, due in great part to holding an ugly fashionista value system, is being ignored and passed over by the men they truly want to date.  If a woman was doing this AFTER the recession she was doing this - in one way or another - BEFORE the recession. Her shallow standards were already in place before the recession. The dearth of dates for these women exists not because of the economy, but because of their attitude. They might wish to blame the economic downturn for their empty dance card, but that's only because they don't want to own up to the fact that they are transparent golddiggers.

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Do We Take Infidelity Too Personally?

I originally posted this on the private blog last week, but wanted to expand on it a bit.

I was reading Star or Us or one of those magazines while in the supermarket checkout line today. Allegedly, Josh Duhamel cheated on his wife of 10 months Fergie. As startling as this sounds...I'm really starting to wonder if cheating and infidelity is the norm. More startling was my reaction to this story. As I stood there reading the article, I found myself thinking, "Well..duh. Of course he cheated."

I think people would be shocked to know how many men and women cheat on them in various ways. The emotional cheating, the physical cheating. With both Roger Sterling and Ripley, I began to see how easy it is for people to seek attention elsewhere. Like I said the other day, men have their own personal line in the sand as to what they consider cheating. Flirty emails probably don't even register on their radar. And when you have such a low threshold for what is inappropriate, it's easy to cross that line. Which makes me think it's far more common than we think.

Here's where men have it over on us ladies...they can compartmentalize so much better. Mainly because they have to. Multi-tasking isn't their thing. So they have to have a place for every relationship or component of their life. They have to ensure that certain worlds don't collide simply because they can't focus on more than one or two things at a time.

We always assume that there must be something wrong with a relationship if one partner cheats. I think we cheat because we can and because we're imperfect. (Although I think most cases of infidelity are a result in the breakdown of the bond between the two people.) I think it's easy to forget your partner when you're away from them, say during work. Having that time away from your mate allows you to forget the relationship exists. Maybe this speaks to how detached the person is. I'm not sure. Or maybe some people just aren't capable of monogamy. I think a lot of people - men and women - fall in to this category. More than anything, I think people cheat because we just get bored, need variety and can't just shut off emotions and hormones. I know. We're supposed to be able to do that. That's one of those things that separates us from other animals/species. I just think with all these differing definitions of cheating and commitment and marriage, and the growing popularity for open relationships, that it's hard to know what lines are being crossed.

Since we all know that nobody is perfect and that things happen a...do we set ourselves up for disappointment when we expect monogamy? Are we really capable of being emotionally and or physically intimate with just one person? 

Obviously, it's not a good thing if your mate falls in love with someone else. But, as I said in response to a Tweet today, you can never really "steal" someone else's lover/partner. They would have left eventually.

If we know in our hearts that our mate would choose us if given an ultimatum, and we know that they gives us the best of what they've got and that we are the ones they come home to...does it really matter that they sought physical gratification somewhere else? Isn't it enough that someone pledges - in what ever manner they choose - to love, honor, defend, protect, support, etc  you and only you? Does having sex with someone else mean they do not honor us or our love?

Do we take infidelity too personally? Do we make it out to be worse than it really is?

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Her Boyfriend Stinks In Every Possible Way

Name: Emily Rose | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: Hi!  Okay, so I'm pretty embarrassed to admit this, but here goes:  I have been dating the same guy on and off for almost 6 years. 

Bad Stuff First: 
He is extremely jealous and has a temper. 
He literally never takes me out to dinner, despite being more well off than me. 
He cringes when I forget my wallet and he has to buy my coffee.  He is frickin selfish and I've told him so! 
He also prefers staying at home watching action movies all night instead of doing something I want that's more creative and inspiring, like taking a walk, listening to anything other than Alice in Chains... etc. 

Now the Good Stuff:
He's VERY handsome! 
Smells like potion #9 to me.
He's ambitious videographer.
He's extremely devoted!
 
I'm impressed by him and very attracted to him.  Second to his attractiveness I am completely in love with the way he smells.  It practically makes me swoon with joy.  Other people have commented that he STINKS!  This makes sense on a biological level though...  I studied biology in college and have always been aware of the effect of MHC compounds on the sexual receptivity of women. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_histocompatibility_complex#MHC_and_sexual_selection

And I fear that what is keeping me attached to this man is simply his powerful scent coupled with his attractiveness.  He really wants to stay together... and I think I should perhaps be choosing someone just because I feel extremely attached to them.  Perhaps I am addicted to him.  He is very dominating and controlling and maybe I like that a bit.  But life is so much more magical when your partner is someone who treats you like gold and actually cares and what you would like to experience. 

I am afraid to leave my current boyfriend despite his temper and our dissimilar interests, because he is very handsome and smells delicious and I have so many nostalgic memories with him.  How can I best figure out what to do??  |Age: 26

Fear, afraid, dominating, controlling, addicted, jealous, temper. Those are words you used to describe how you feel and this man's personality. Take away every other word in your letter and just read those.  Now, take a look at this:

He really wants to stay together... and I think I should perhaps be choosing someone just because I feel extremely attached to them. 

But life is so much more magical when your partner is someone who treats you like gold and actually cares and what you would like to experience.  

I am afraid to leave my current boyfriend despite his temper and our dissimilar interests,

I'm not sure if English is your second language or not, but these sentences completely contradict the  previous thought expressed. You shouldn't be afraid to leave your BF "despite" his temper. You should be afraid to leave him "because" of his temper. Now I get it. You're making excuses for him, like so many other people in abusive relationships do. On some level, you think you deserve it. That's why you're conflicted. That's why you're thoughts continuously conflict each other.

You're revealing how you feel without even knowing it. It's like two people are writing this letter - the co-dependent girlfriend who knows she's in an abusive relationship and feels powerless and the woman who knows how this man treats her is wrong and wants out because she knows, if she doesn't, she'll die (literally or figuratively.)  Let me tell you this...if you do not let that stronger side of you out more often, she's going to be swallowed up by the other side of you. I bet she was the woman you were before meeting this man. Somehow this man managed to strip you of your independence and self-esteem. Stay with him and you will never get it back.

While there may or may not be merit to your scent theory, I think you're placing way too much importance on that because it allows you to avoid figuring out why you really stay with him. You should never be in a relationship with someone who uses fear as a negotiating tactic. You are afraid of this man. Leave him. Now. Because if it hasn't escalated to physical abuse yet..it will. This man emotionally and psychologically abuses you with fear. That's not love.

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It's Not Me, It's You - The Problem With Projection

Name: Redhead | Location: Boston , MA |Question: I'll keep this short and sweet.  I have two friends I hang out with fairly regularly, let's call them Jane and John.  Jane and John are both single (although Jane is dating someone) and they both live a fair distance from me, such that a trip to see them takes time and planning.  The three of us talk fairly frequently, although I speak with Jane more often than with John.  Neither Jane nor I have romantic feelings for John, and until last weekend I thought the feeling was mutual.

I guess you can probably see where I'm going with this.  As I was packing up for the 3-hour drive back to my house, John stops me in the parking lot and asks if we can get together, just the two of us, for a date.  I, of course, am dumbfounded, as I've never had even the slightest hint that he was interested in me.  I told him I would think about it, but the more I think about it, the more angry I get.  Here's why...he knows that (a) I'm still getting over someone/not dating seriously and (b) I'm moving across the country, literally 3,000 miles away in 4 months, another reason I'm not dating seriously.  So...he wants a few months of no-strings, no-drama sex?  UGH!  (Even if I was attracted to him even a little, this would still freak me out.)

So here is my question...how on Earth do I extricate myself from this potentially damaging situation?  Is there any way to save the friendship between the three of us?   |Age: 33

I'm lost. How is this a damaging situation? I mean, other than you're making it one in your mind.

What's the problem here? The guy asked you out, you're moving away, there's your answer. That's what you tell him. Why or how did you work yourself up in such a lather over something so innocuous?

Here's something I just Tweeted: Men like women to think they're complicated and complex. They're neither. Women just make them feel that way by overanalyzing them.about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

Men are super simple to figure out and anticipating their needs is pretty easy if we let it be so. It's when we start to second guess not them but ourselves that we get all mixed up and frustrated. You are ultra-overanalyzing this situation. To him, it was an innocent request. You're taking it as an insult when it's not. How do you know he just wants sex? How do you know what he wants at all when you're so busy assuming and reading his mind? Maybe there's more to this story that I'm not privy to, but this really sounds like you went from zero to sixty with no provocation.

Psychological projection (or projection bias) is the unconscious act of denial of a person's own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are ascribed to the outside world, like the weather, the government, a tool or another person or people. Projection is one of the most profound and subtle of human psychological processes, and extremely difficult to work with, because by its nature it is hidden. It is the fundamental mechanism by which we keep ourselves uninformed about ourselves. Humor has great value in any attempt to work with projection, because humor presents a forgiving posture and thereby removes the threatening nature of any inquiry into the truth.

It's hard to know what anyone else is really thinking when you're so trapped in your own head and projecting all your stuff on to other people. You're frustrated and burnt on dating because of your recent break up. OK. But you can't project all of that "stuff" on to every other guy or situation that you encounter. That's what you're doing here. You're so sure he's some nefarious dude looking for casual sex. Let's take a step back for a moment. You live 3hrs away. He knows you well and is friends with you. You guys have friends in common. Does that sound like an ideal casual sex/FWB situation? I mean, that to me sounds like a lot of extra work without any guaranteed ROI. So..maybe he just likes you and sees that your leaving and is seizing the moment? Could it possibly be that he's just a nice guy and likes you? If you can't even consider that this is a possibility, then you're most definitely projecting.

Like the description above says, we use projection as a way to avoid what we're really thinking and feeling about ourselves. Basically, it means that you take things, comments, responses PERSONALLY. Nine times out of ten, it's never personal. But we're so stuck in a certain emotional place that we can't hear or see that. We need to believe it is so we can either attack or feel justified in our choices.

We (meaning women) project A LOT. Probably because we're conditioned to be more introspective., sometimes to the point of self-absorption. We're so sure someone was insulting us or judging us. It's not uncommon. We all do it , I think. But if you find yourself doing it A LOT and encountering people who manage to push your buttons on a regular basis...then that should be a big, flashing red sign that you're being insecure and defensive about whatever subject is being discussed. And that means you feel some kind of guilt or shame. Those two emotions are extremely difficult to accept and confront, because doing so involves being accountable for our actions and choices.

So, before you start to date again or even say anything to this guy, really try to figure out why his invitation offended you so. There's more to this and you know it. I'm not saying you did anything wrong in your last relationship. But I think YOU think you did. That's what you have to put to rest before you can really move on.

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Is He Trying To Date Out of His League?

Name: Domester | Location: Forest Hills , NY |Question: Moxie,

Who has a bigger "DANGER" sign flashing over his head -- a single 30ish, loudmouth, slick-talking "player" type who has at least as many notches on his bed post and/or failed relationships as daily cogent thoughts OR a single 40+ introvert with fewer good night (or good morning) kisses than fingers -- and why?

I have no problem admitting that I'm guy #2. I know I have issues and I know what they are (height and income/job  are the two biggies.)  I've been trying to correct the latter one for more than 10 years (it's coming along... not as fast as I'd like.. but as least there's recent progress).

Here's where I'm going with this -- why after living in NYC for more than 3years and trying every imaginable means to jump start my social life (online/speed dating, joining social organizations, hiring a dating coach, etc.)  did I decide about 12-18 months ago to pitch them all and give up completely?  I hardly think I'm too picky (midtown Manhattan parks at lunchtime are for me treasure troves of eye candy) and while I'm no Adonis, I certainly don't have any of the schlumpy traits/habits about which you repeatedly warn us guys (beer guts, etc.

My early attempts at joining the NY social world were simply so negative;  I'm wondering if they permanently scarred me and if that lack-of-experience scar is visible to every woman that passes me by. |Age: 42

As long as you believe there's no hope, there isn't. That's the first hurdle you  need to get past. Because as long as you believe it's all a crock and all a waste of time, it will be. Not only that, but you will project that insecurity and negativity and it will become a force field that prevents anyone from taking the time to get to know you.

Now, with the shiny happy touchy feely bit out of the way, let's get to the real meat of the issue.

You say that midtown Manhattan parks are your "treasure troves" for "eye candy." Yet you also say that you're not too picky. I'm not sure exactly what you're implying here, but felt compelled to make this point anyway. You shouldn't be shooting for the "eye candy." And it's great that you're aware that you aren't Adonis. But, really, who is? So admitting that you're not some Greek God looking guy doesn't exactly prove that you aren't too picky. It just proves you paid attention in High School Literature or History class.

By your own admission, you are lacking in two areas that are very important to women - height and professional (and possibly financial) stability. Like we said in last week's post about the male expiration date, you have passed the point where your career-related shortcomings are attractive or charming. Since you also appear to be vertically challenged, you have two huge strikes against you. So, eye candy is kind of out of your league unless you are extremely confident. Again, something else you're lacking. You want the eye candy? Then you will have to do some serious work on your confidence and how you view yourself. Charm and confidence can make up for quite a bit. At least to women. Men? Not so much.

I'm telling you this because it's possible that you're underplaying these two personal challenges and potentially shooting for women out of your league. If so, then it's no wonder you're ego has taken a beating and you want to give up. After striking out a certain amount of times, a person starts to anticipate rejection, which usually results in rejection.

Your situation is similar to those of the women 35 and over to whom I advise to avoid online dating and stay out of bars. You were trying to force yourself into a community that does not appreciate or embrace you. Hence why you feel so discouraged. You were trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

Stop with the singles events and online dating. A good chunk of the women in your age range who participate in those things are there because they were too picky. By participating in such mediums, you are subjecting yourself to judgment by people who, for all intents and purposes, are in no position to be judging anyone. Same goes for the women who engage in these activities. I've said this before. Anything "singles" oriented that's targeted to the 35+ crowd is going to be heavily populated with people for whom nobody is good enough. If you are going to utilize these means to meet people, prepare yourself ahead of time and appropriate your expectations so that your self-esteem doesn't take a beating. It's not as much about you as it is about their inordinate expectations and distorted personal value.

Stay away from anything that focuses around bars, clubs or partying. That's a shallow scene and attracts an even more shallow crowd. Or it attracts a bunch of people who long to be accepted by a certain world or clique so they can feel better about themselves.

Stick to social activities that revolve around anything other than finding a mate or getting drunk/laid. Cultural events, volunteer groups, career related support groups, specialized groups that are targeted at an activity.

It's really all about expectations. When you appropriate them and have a good idea of what to expect, and can accept that everybody has their type, you'll be able to regain your control and your confidence.

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Men Love Dating With a Saftey Net

Name: PossiblyInLove | Location: SLC , UT |Question: During my summer abroad, I met/dated this amazing guy. We could talk about anything with each other and we both feel very strongly about each other (he was quite open with his feelings as he constantly put his heart on the line even though at moments I was unsure even though I'm not anymore). When we both went home we kept in contact really well, talking almost always a couple times a week minimum. Every time we talked he would express how much he missed me and how he couldn't wait to see me again. We even arranged to meet up for Halloween at a mutual location. Needless to say we spent this entire past weekend together. The time apart didn't stop him from basically treating me like his girlfriend: hand holding, cuddling and holding me close even in public, as well as refusing to let me pay for anything. He made every excuse to touch me and hug me, particularly during our day at the pool. He couldn't stop saying how wonderful I was. The friends I met up with said that we made a cute couple and several people asked if we had gotten married (curse of wandering Vegas with a guy). And he kept on bringing up opportunities for us to see each other again after this. When I tried to kiss him (before a majority of said interaction above), he stopped me and he announced he had a girlfriend back home now. The only thing I can think is: What the hell? A few hours after telling me he has a gf, he asked me "what would you do if I kissed you?" Again, WTH! Yes, he had expressed that he really valued my friendship and that a long distance relationship would be difficult especially with our school and work loads... but why would he do all this romantic stuff if it could lead nowhere (for now anyways)? I don't doubt his words but I can't help but feel that a relationship like ours (even without kissing) isn't grounds for cheating... I just don't know what to make of all this. He is someone I could see myself being with for the rest of my life so I'm quite confused.
(Sorry so long but I felt that certain details were needed... You can cut as needed if you decide to use this question. Thanks so much!) |Age: 21

Every guy has their own personal line in the sand in regards to what constitutes cheating. This guy drew the line at actually fooling around. That way he can go away for the weekend and lie to his girlfriend about how he was "going to see a friend" and not feel guilty.

By getting together with you, he gets to have a brief escape from the mundane. Which isn't to imply he's unhappy with his current relationship. He quite possibly isn't. But he, like a lot of people, probably needs a little variety. That's what you provide.

Why would he travel this far just to hold hands? Well, I suppose because he probably likes and cares for you. But keep something in mind. A lot of men will go to great lengths just to get laid. Yes, they'll even fly across the country and pay several hundred dollars to do it.  Now, it doesn't appear as though that is what this guy was after. But it's just something you should keep in mind for future use. Why does a guy act like a boyfriend when he's not your boyfriend? Because a) he knows the relationship will never go anywhere and therefore it's safe and b) because he was in the moment. Guys will do that. We're the ones that think 10 steps ahead. We're the ones for whom every actions and thought has a special or particular meaning. Men just...react.

To him, he's on a vacation with a good friend. A good friend he holds hands with. That probably doesn't mean to him what it means to you. Same goes for that perceived "strong connection" that you felt when you first met. Sure, he was probably once again in the moment with you. But, like I said a second ago, he knew there was an expiration date to this relationship. That safety net frees guys up to act like a boyfriend and be vulnerable and open up and share. There's not at much at risk. Would he do all this when he knew it probably wouldn't go anywhere? Absolutely. That's when men are most likely to be so responsive and behave like this so soon. He knows, and has told you as much, that this will never be more than it is. He has an out, and it's one that doesn't require or involve tears or drama or a Dear Jane letter. What he's saying is, let's just enjoy this while we're here because this is the only time we'll have it. Sure, he'll allude to other opportunities to get together. Then he'll go home and be with his girlfriend and things will get more serious. He's in the moment, so he'll say anything, even stuff he doesn't mean.

I'm sure he does like you, but I don't think he feels the same way about you that you do about him. I don't think he's given the future a moment's thought. He's in the now...for now.

This guy either had a girlfriend when you met or met her after you left from your summer abroad. I'm guessing it was the latter, as I doubt he could get away with taking off for any sort of holiday weekend without arousing the suspicion of a long time girlfriend. If this trip had been planned for several weeks and he only just met his pseudo-girlfriend, then it's debatable whether or not he was cheating. This could be one of those window of opportunity flings that people like to take advantage of before they become exclusive with someone else.

My advice to you is to move on. He's not The One.

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He's Down About Getting It Up

Name: HiStrung |  Location: San Francisco , CA |Question: Ever since I'm diagnosed with ED, it's been real difficult for me to approach women and date them... It's very embarassing to have to get it up and perform with the aid of a pill. What's a natural way to cope, negotiate this hurdle and not feel like I am getting pity sex? What do the women have to say about this? Plus there is the issue of privacy and discretion? So what happens when you break and she's mad and go tell everyone I've got ED. |Age: 39

I've never had any experience with this, but I'm sure readers have.

Since ED is not contagious or a health risk in the way an STD is, you are not obligated to reveal anything to anyone. I would tell on those partners you trust. Keep all medications well hidden (yeah, we tend to snoop when we're in the bathroom..just sayin'.)

Obviously...casual hook ups are probably not the route to take. If you're hoping to avoid the psycho ex-lover shouting your secrets from the roof top, then I'd avoid random casual hook ups. I'd also advise you to become familiar with signs of The Crazy. Anybody who tries to exact revenge for being dumped by yammering about how you had ED- especially when they continued to pursue a sexual relationship after being informed of such conditions - looks terrible. Not to mention, if she's pulled this with you, she's pulled it with other guys. So her word probably doesn't carry much weight. But err on the side of caution and keep your mouth shut and make sure you don't have any documentation on your computer that she might "stumble upon" and use against you. Yes, this all sounds kind of dramatic. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is very, very real and does happen.

I'll tell you what I tell people with STD's when they ask how to break the news. Be informed, explain how this particular condition affects you and could affect them, tell them the steps that you need to take in order to perform. If you approach it with this sense of shame or guilt, then that's when you're going to get pity sex. But you're going to have to take the time necessary to get to know someone so you can discern if they can be trusted with this information.

I don't know how ED medications work, whether they are time release type meds or what. My thought is that maybe you can get yourself on a schedule so that you are prepared for times when you know you're going to be intimate.

I'm sure that living and dating with this has taken quite a toll on your self-esteem and that of your partners. While I have no idea if this was ED related, I can remember being in bed with a man for the first time and he was having trouble getting it up. He completely shut down and made an excuse to leave, thereby making me wonder if it was something about me or my body that turned him off. That's another reason why anonymous hook ups probably aren't the way to go. Casual sex is supposed to be somewhat devoid of intimacy, and revealing something that personal to someone could blurr the lines a bit and make your partner sense a familiarity that isn't really there.

One last thing..you know, as much as we ladies enjoy having you inside us, there are plenty of ways to get us off. Some don't even require physical contact. So if those moment, uh, arise where things aren't functioning the way you would like...improvise. Massage, kiss, touch..talk. Half the time, we don't even know that there's something off. We just enjoy the extra attention. Again, I don't know how ED meds work, but if you can take a pill and need some time for it to work, there are plenty of things to do to distract us while you're waiting for the meds to take effect. But if you see us working overtime to try and get you at full mast then you gotta clue us in that, at the very least, it's not going to happen.Not only will that just make you feel worse, but she'll start worrying that you don't find her attractive. I think ED is far more common than we think, and I'll bet the majority of us have been involved with someone who suffered from ED at one time or another.

I think a man's masculinity is definitely tied to his penis, how it looks and what it can do. I don't think men ever grow out of that.

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What Women Want

I've been sitting here drinking my coffee and having a good laugh over a batch of emails I've received this week in response to two of my online dating profiles.

=>Let's start with this guy. He sent his first email last week, which I deleted. Here's his follow up:

Subject line: Dude, you are stunning

Message: please chat with me. you are killing me 

Age: 41

Photo: It was sent as an attachment because he didn't post one to his profile (bad sign). There he was, sitting at a table with a pretty blond.

Headline: I want a relationship

Ad: wholesome, healthy, nice, witty boy. dirty blonde, blue eyes. good bod. love to bike. physician, established.

What he's looking for: nice relationship, sexy, ready for committed relationship. unsure re: children

I'll tackle the obvious first. Anyone who is over 25 and addresses me as "dude" is immediately labeled a douche. Second, pictures of yourself with a pretty female only serve to ratchet up your douche factor. Yes, we get it. You're handsome. But the complete lack of actual effort that went in to his profile on top of the flat out sleaze factore that his ad gave off made me block him and assume it was a fake. And please, please, please can we all stop with the "boy" and "girl" thing? You're 40, "dude." You're not a boy. That is , unless you're trying to tip off all the women you barrage with this phony profile that you have the emotional maturity of a teenager. And ladies, you stop this too. "I'm just a girl who..."  Stop trying to be Julia Roberts in Notting Hill. It comes off phony and pretentious and speaks to how you really feel about being your age and single.

=>On to the next one:

Subject Line:  You (A sequel to his first email, the staggering work of genius with a subject line of "Me.")

Message #1 I am an attorney upstate who travels often to New York right now. Law is not my passion. From a money standpoint, it has been a good profession, but it's time for me to go. As far as getting excited about something goes, I have had a radio show since September of 2007. I filmed a pilot at Binghamton University this summer based on the radio show. I am taking it to networks now (MSNBC, CNN and Bloomberg are the targets). That is my passion and my future.

Message: #3 I think you should reconsider your decision not to email me.

Age: 44

Photo: One of him behind a microphone disguising his face. The other a side shot. Awesome.

Me me me, me memememe...oh, and me. It's called a conversation, not a monologue. He wasn't taken with me as much as he was annoyed that I didn't reply to him, as he clearly thinks he's a catch. Me me me me me. It's all about me.

=>Next up:

Subject line:  r u awake?

Message: Nothing. Just his name.

Looking for: Women for a short term relationship or play

Ad: Wow, this is the part of this whole process that I find incredibly absurd. Not a big believer that you can get a good feel for someone based on another cynical, snarky, jaded, pop-culture-ridden, hipster write up of oneself. That said, I'll keep this basic & save the spontaneous description for when we meet. I'm a 38 year old entrepreneur living in the West Village - a fan of both high & low-brow culture though I admit I am a bit of an elitist snob when it comes to movies, (notice that I'm not so pretentious as to use the word 'film' books, the news media, etc. I keep fit, I am well-educated, have traveled, speak a language other than English, spend some of my free time taking pictures of what I see around me, & more than anything else, enjoy sleeping in. If you use the word 'artsy' to describe yourself, not interested. Looking for someone whose identity is not too closely associated with what they do for a living. Irreverence a high priority, cynicism a big turnoff. Things are tough enough without the person next to you complaining non-stop. What else? Sexy, smart, direct, fun, independent.

Now, let me decipher this one. Things are tough enough w.out the person next to you complaining non-stop. Know what that tells me? That this guy's behavior is probably so bad that he's always being nagged by girlfriends. And for someone who so clearly is just looking to get laid, he's got some pretty high expectations and wants/needs.  But again, does he return the level of effort and expectation? No. He can't be bothered to write an actual message, thinking the one photo he has in his profile (unshaven and bloated) will suffice. This guy couldn't even be bothered to write out the full words in the subject line of his message. Yes, clearly, you are just so well educated and high brow. Forget about the fact that he pretty much contradicts himself throughout his essay. This ad reeks of snarky, jaded cynicism.

Men say all the time that they don't know what we want. Well, let me clear that up once and for all.

• We want to feel like you would rather risk the heartbreak and humiliation of rejection than to give up a chance at getting to know us.
• We want you to care enough to spell out full words and, you know, write full paragraphs. 
• We want to feel like we are a priority, not an afterthought
• We want to at least pretend to sound like you're interested in who we are.
• We want you to make an effort
• As far as online dating goes...could you at least TRY to make yourself presentable instead of posting photos of yourself unshaven, wearing ratty clothes and otherwise looking disheveled?

In short, we want you to make us feel wanted in some capacity. We want to feel like there is something about us that you recognize and that appeals to you other than our looks or our vaginas.

We (and I'm sure you men are as well) are tired of feeling like our only purpose is to make you feel better about yourself. Like we're so interchangeable that no personalization or special attention is required. Or, and this is the worst, as if - in the cases of those of us over 35 - that that must somehow mean we'll take whatever scraps you throw us.

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Is This Why The Ladies Are Living Single?

From Today's NY Post:


New Yorkers have no excuse for dateless Friday nights.

More than half of all Manhattan residents are living alone -- and the number of singles in the city is continuing to rise to historic levels, new Census Bureau data show.

That means you've got a 50-50 shot that the cute neighbor down the hall is looking for love.

The borough now resembles some kind of "Sex and the City" fantasyland with a majority of households, 50.3 percent, with just one resident -- no roommate, no spouse, no family, no kids.

When the other four boroughs are factored in, the single household rate drops to 33.5 percent -- a little closer to the national average of 27.5 percent, according the Census Bureau's American Community Survey.

New York first passed the 50 percent mark in 2007 in what sociologists called an inevitable trend.

There are numerous forces turning Manhattan into an isle of singletons, explained William Helmreich, deputy chairman of City College's sociology department. The factors include high-paying jobs, the expense of raising a family, longer-living widows and widowers, and, of course, a celebrated culture of singledom.

"Singles attract more singles," he said. "They participate in a lifestyle that is mutually reinforcing. The more single people engage in that lifestyle, the more acceptable it is, and the more acceptable it is, the more people are going to do it."

Sociologists now call the time people in their 20s and 30s spend solo "early adulthood" to differentiate it from the period before they marry and have children -- which is happening later and later.

Manhattan real-estate agents have long been profiting from the borough's lonesome ways.

There were 376,916 single households in Manhattan in 2008 -- that's up several thousand from the year before, according to the Census data.

"The biggest evidence of that trend, the biggest proof, is that it's easiest to rent a studio or small one-bedroom. Those are far and way the most popular apartments we rent," said Stu Greenberg, owner of the 15-year-old Fireside Realty in Manhattan.

Ladies, however, are at a disadvantage.

There are 212,000 single female households compared with 165,000 male single.

Many of those women are lonely hearts, but they aren't all Carrie Bradshaws.

"It reflects the large number of elderly in the city's population, and many live by themselves when their partner dies," noted Richard Alba, a sociology professor at the CUNY Graduate Center.


Lonely with just his dog

Ben Seiter lives alone, but can't wait to share his East Village place with that special somebody.

"Living with a girlfriend would be better. It would keep me more stabilized," said the 28-year-old real-estate agent.

"When you live with a girlfriend, they tend to keep you on your toes and keep you in line."

Seiter searches for his perfect match while roaming the neighborhood with his English bulldog, Olivia Newton-John.

One upside to living without a male roommate is that it is easier to look for Miss Right.

"I think girls are lot more comfortable dating someone who lives alone. You look more responsible," he said.

"You don't have to worry about someone walking in on you." Amber Sutherland

Grateful for her freedom

Gemma Alvarez, a 30-something personal trainer, can't imagine living any other way than solo.

"I've been alone in Manhattan since 2003," said Alvarez, who pays $1,850 a month for an East Village studio.

"I love living alone. I can focus on being fit, being healthy and building my business."

She said she is dating and just broke up with a boyfriend last month.

But for now, cohabitation is the last thing on her mind.

"It feels good to be free and not preoccupied with anyone else. I don't have to answer to anybody," she said.

"And Manhattan is the best borough. Everything is at your doorstep." Amber Sutherland

Hmm...interesting. The single guy is anxious to find someone with whom he can share his apartment. The single woman loves having her freedom. That could possibly explain this statistic:

There are 212,000 single female households compared with 165,000 male single.

As I was saying on the other blog yesterday, I keep wondering if women have so convinced themselves that they don't "need" a man that they end up sabotaging themselves in the process.

A lot of us assume that it's the men who hem and haw about settling down. But maybe it's not? Maybe men are more willing to admit that they "need" someone in their life which is why they settle down or find Ms. Right? Have women become afraid to admit that they don't want to be alone or want a man in their life and that's why so many of us struggle?

Yes, I've shared some of the opinions that Gemma Alvarez has expressed. The love of her freedom, the not wanting to feel obligated, etc. But is it possible that we brainwash ourselves into believing for too long that it's better to be single and then end up incapable of forming a lasting connection with someone?

If our thinking controls what we attract..is this why so many women in this city and others are still single? Is this why we keep dating the same guy over an over again - the guy who doesn't want to settle down or who's incapable of making a commitment?

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How Do You Get Rid of a Crazy, Stalking Ex?

Moxie,


My previous job as a bank manager was super stressful so we all met at a bar down the road for our happy hours.  We often enjoyed free drinks, and I reviewed the place on Yelp.  A girl came into my bank one day to "talk" to me in June, saying she recognized me from Yelp and that I mentioned her boyfriend the bartender, and from her check I could tell that she worked at the restaurant.

In August, I had what I thought was a one night stand with said bartender when he and the aforementioned girlfriend were broken up.  It ended up going on for about three weeks, in which point I meant his family, his son, and got more serious than I had anticipated. Things ended as abruptly as they began because it turns out his ex was not over him - and was still showing up in the middle of the night, trying to break in, and he even mentioned how she had onced slashed the tires of a girl that had a crush on him, when they were a couple.  I told him he needed to get his life together with her, and then she called him a few days later hysterical that I would post on twitter that I went to dinner with him, something, that had been "tweeted" two weeks before.  He and I ended - and everything was fine until today.  Please note he is 34, she is 22, and I am 26.  Yesterday updated my blog and made a joke about August, and then today I received the following texts:

well randomly tonight i got these as texts:
1)  Do you know what a crazy dillusional bitch you are?  but in the end you are still all alone.  Sorry... despite how crazy you might have claimed i am Jimmy

2) still ended up with me and not you.  im glad you spent time editing your blog about what you imagined happened between the two of you.  you are

3) alone and still huuuuge and homely and sat at a bar waiting for an opportunity to pounce on my boyfriend.  he despises you.  the nickname you have earned

4) around sky is "crazy meghan".  hope i gave you new material.  hugs and kisses!  tonight while you sit alone at your computer and wonder why you cant

5) find someone to date you, just remember two things - you are unattractive and psycho. night

me:  text me again and i call the cops

6) you lose

7) im glad my boyfriend meant so much to you.  keep up the diet it will do wonders ;)

I hate drama, and do not know what to do especially since I have no idea how she got her number, and I just have never dealt with someone so unstable.

_ just want to be left alone

You also mentioned, in a previous email, that she broke in to his apartment and that's why he had to park your car in a completely different lot than the one for his building. Nice.

Here are the things you should know:

This guy is just as crazy as this woman. - He not only gets off on watching her go crazy, he encourages it. He, no doubt, talks about you to her and makes sure to let her know whenever anyone pays him any attention.

She got your number either from his phone/phone bill or from him -  I'm going to guess she got it from his phone, but it wouldn't surprise me if this guy willingly handed over your number to her. He thinks it's some sort of badge of honor that he's so amazing that he makes women crazy.

If he really thought she was a crazy pain in the ass he'd try to stop it - Where's the restraining order or order of protection? Where are the police reports? Why is she still working at the same place he's working? Why is he still there? Why do they still speak? Easy....he enjoys her displays of obsession.

I'm just hoping that the son is not hers. If she keeps this stuff up, she could be thrown in jail, leaving that child with a crazy Dad and no Mom. Not that he wasn't already doomed to be in a therapist's office just because  his Dad isn't all that discerning about who he brings around the house and introduces to his son. Not that there's anything wrong with you, but it's never wise to introduce your child to whatever person you happen to be dating at the time. Typically, you wait until you know things are going somewhere and that the person you're dating isn't a child molester before you try to incorporate them into your child's life.

People like this always end up dating each other. It's just how things work.

Do you really want to be left alone? Then leave them both alone. Don't blog about her, don't go in to that bar, delete the guy from your phone and have nothing to say to him. Don't feed in to the drama. Sure, some people are fun to fuck with...but this girl isn't one of them. Slashing tires? Anything that involves the word "slash" should be avoided at all costs.

As for her insults..yawn. Typical crazy girl crap. She's so desperate to some off in control, yet she has to bring other people in as back up to make her point. Really? Are you "a joke" around that bar? Something tells me everybody either completely avoid this psycho or just smiles to her face and agrees with her because they're afraid she'll take a bat to their windshield.  And the "omigod you're so fat" stuff? Double yawn. Fat, unlike crazy, is not forever. That's the route women take to try and hurt another woman. They'll go for looks, weight or whether or not they're still single. Because those three things are what are supposed to define us. Well, in her mind, that is. So here she is, a woman who thinks that because she's thin and has a boyfriend, that somehow makes up for the fact that she's mentally unstable. And to some guys? That's true. If she's hot enough or can suck the chrome off a tail pipe, they'll ignore The Crazy. Most guys, the non-crazy ones, tolerate that for about..a month, maybe two. But guys who are equally crazy will stick around for a long, long time. See, crazy people are crazy because they don't know they're crazy. And they always, always, ALWAYS have situations like this going on in their life. Chaos, drama, stress. To them, it's normal. There is no talking to crazy. You can not have a rational conversation with crazy. So don't even try. Ignore her, block her, keep a record of everything, avoid that bar. If she continues, then put together all of her contact from you and send it to the bar. Your company gives them money for Happy Hours...they should probably be made aware of why they might lose future business. But wait until you have substantial proof to use against her.

Avoid him at all costs. If it continues, change your phone number, change your email address. If there ever comes a time when you do have to file a report, you need ot be able to show that you took measures to cease all contact from these people.

NYC Social/Professional Networking- MoxieintheCity.net
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Or, You Know,You're Alone Because You're a Delusional Spoiled Bitch

This was just too good not to share......

Listen Crotch Rocket, I am the opposite of that. I'm mostly pissed b/c Moxie (who should have been married at least 5 yrs ago and instead is jealous of girls like me) keeps spamming my Facebk somehow even though I blocked her.

I am attractive, fit, have an excellent job, went to a top college and am only in my mid-20s. I don't know why I opened this.

Moxie's also dead wrong anyway. As a girl who grew up in Manhattan and in a wealthy town in NJ with all of the qualities I stated before plus rich parents, it can be hard to find a guy who is not threatened by those qualities. I am not looking for XYZ plus, I'm looking for XYZ. Trust me, I have dated XYZ minus and it never worked due to the glaring cultural and socioeconomic differences.

So I don't have a sense of entitlement, I'm being realistic. A lot of guys cannot relate to my life. I'm not being a snob or stuck-up because I have tried dating guys who came from much less than I did. Men do feel threatened by stuff like that.

One of my best friends models and is intelligent and fun. She comes from a much wealthier background than the last 6 generations of my family combined which is actually saying something. I guarantee she will be single for another 5-10 yrs just because she is also waiting for someone who is on her level, or who will at the very least, not feel like less of a man because of her fancy life. She also has to be careful for gold diggers.

It's lonely at the top and that is something many people will not understand. We get sick of hearing, "Must be nice." There are many perks but waiting for a good match isn't always easy. - magda

This is one of those posts that writes itself, folks.

Let me shorthand this one. You're alone and you struggle because you're either completely bat shit crazy and require too much work OR..well, there's no other explanation. Men aren't threatened by you or your money. That's just the excuse you and women like you use to justify why you're perpetually getting dumped.Your money isn't what's standing between you and happiness. It's your attitude and sense of entitlement. THAT is what makes men go running. Not your bank account or your rich parents or your degree. Most people are smart enough to know that your parent's money isn't YOUR money. Maybe you're the one who hasn't figured that out yet.

And, Princess? It's called the Hide or Leave This Group Link. Use it. Or get your butler to do it.

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