Name: inq | | Location: NY , NY |Question: Not so
much a question, but maybe a discussion topic. I saw
this posted somewhere and I
thought - this goes on a lot so why do we SO beat ourselves up about not being
married... yet? Isn't it better to be single, even after you past 'the dreaded
age' than this? I would rather take the time to find my best compatible mate,
than life a life in silent suffering. This seems to be the ultimate example of
why it's not better to be married JUST to be married.
"I have been
married for 25 years and have two children, one adult and one teenager. I have
never been happy in my marriage. I decided a long time ago that my commitment
was to maintaining a secure family life for my children, mostly because I did
not have that when I grew up. My husband is distant, insensitive, uncomfortable
with emotions, and spends more time alone than he does with us or anyone else.
He stated that he once cheated in the past but it was "too much trouble." I have
sex with him out of a sense of duty and occasionally my own physical need. I
have not kissed or hugged my husband in many years. I must admit I have a friend
I stay in touch with and see once or twice a year. I can kiss him, hug him,
enjoy sex with him and say I love you. I have no intention of giving up this
relationship. I have plans about how I will leave my husband the minute my
youngest child is packed for college. The thought of living together without the
children is unbearable. I am not even certain I can take it very much longer. I
am a therapist and spend hours with clients who have codependency issues. I
counsel them to take care of themselves, yet I do not have the courage to do
that for myself. I am very concerned about my children because they have grown
up having witnessed no display of emotion or love between their parents. My
oldest child is 25 and has never had a serious relationship. I know in my heart
that I am hurting my children more than helping them. " |Age: 39
You know, I was pretty annoyed the other day when I wrote the "Being Alive" Post and so many people jumped to the defensive. The point of the post went over many people's heads. All they heard was "Being with someone is better than being alone." (Which, for the record, was not what I said.)The woman writing the letter complaining about her marriage gets no
sympathy from me because she chose to get married to this person whom
she claims to not love. Where is her responsibility in all of this? Or is it all just her distant husband's fault? This, in a nutshell, is why there are so many single people of a certain age and older - a refusal to be accountable for their actions and choices. This woman whining about her marriage? I'll be willing to bet she was well aware of how distant her husband was BEFORE she married him. And now, suddenly, his behavior no longer works for her. So she justifies her own cheating because he cheated and because he's "distant." Me , me, me. I,I,I. And the worst part is that she's claiming to stay together for her children. Really? And how does this set-up of her screwing another man a few times a year while her husband spends time alone in the garage help her kids or encourage them to form healthy views on relationships and attachments? Bullshit. She gets to stay married and have her lover on the side. It clearly isn't so bad for her, as she's still there. Works for her. Wonder how it works for her children?
Ing, all I hear in the letter above is, "See? This is another reason why it's better to be single."
Well, you know what? If you continue to look for reasons why it's better to be single, you'll find them. And really that's all you're doing. You're trying to justify why, at almost 40, you're still single. You don't have to justify anything to me. But you clearly feel a need to justify something to yourself. You're relying on stories and examples of how damaged people are in damaged relationships. I know plenty of people who grew up in a broken home, who lost mates, who spent years dating the wrong people who ended up in healthy, productive relationships. They found those relationships because they continued to believe that good people exist and that love and commitment and marriage can work if the two people want it to.
It's really easy to find fault with what's wrong with marriage and commitment today. There are a lot of flaws in the whole system, I agree. But maybe the reason why there are so many failed marriages and infidelity and bad relationships is because there are just a lot of really damaged people out there. They had poor examples of marriage and commitment as a child or were just never raised to consider someone else's feelings or needs. Maybe it's not necessarily the institution of marriage or the idea of fidelity that's the problem. Maybe it's that there are just way too many people out there with this warped idea that, if a marriage doesn't work, you can just get a divorce. Or if a relationship doesn't work, you can just give up and leave, despite the fact that you claimed that there was just so much love between you and your partner and despite all the time and effort you invested in it. Maybe there are just too many people walking around thinking how a relationship should benefit them, what a mate can do for them...instead of wondering what they can do for their mate or what they bring to the table. Maybe there are just too many people who just got to accustomed to only considering themselves because they spent so much time, wait for it, ALONE. Maybe all these negative thoughts are what keep people single.
If you feel that living your life alone is better than being in a couple, then God Bless. If it works for you and you're truly happy then that's really all that matters. Personally, it's not for me. Nor do I believe that it is healthy for someone to live their life solely thinking about themselves. It makes it very hard to incorporate someone else into your life when you've spent years never having to consider anyone else's needs. I think living a solitary life, one that includes a limited amount of
person to person interaction, touch and communication, stunts your
ability to relate to others in a healthy and productive way and gets in
the way for forming healthy attachments. The longer you go not making yourself vulnerable, the easier it becomes to never be vulnerable.
YOUR THOUGHTS?
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