July 08, 2008

How & When Does She Ask If They're Exclusive?

In celebration of my 2008: Simplicity Plan, I'm asking all of you to subscribe to this blog's feed.      That way I don't have to send out daily e-mails. See that FeedBlitz subscriber box up there in the upper left corner? Sign up. Thank you in advance! 

DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
Got a dating related question?  Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It's Free! Look for Moxie's response and feedback from other singles. (Responses take between 6-36 hours.) Ask Away -
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

Name: Julie | Location: Los Angeles , CA |Question: Hi Moxie,Moxiejanuary20089999
I've been consistently dating a guy for about 2 1/2 months now. We met through friends and probably see eachother 2-3 times a week (always sleepovers since he lives 45 min away). Things have been going really well, we've met most of eachother's friends, he talks about wanting to meet my family and we talk/email often. He is affectionate with me in front of his friends and also wants to go away together for the fourth of July weekend.

We've spent enough time together for me to determine that i really like him and he possesses many of the qualities im looking for in a guy. My question is when do I bring up exclusivity? I dont get the impression that he's dating anyone else because he always offers up the info about what he's doing and is never shady about plans. We havent talked about "feelings" (i dont think he's the type of guy to gush) but i can tell he likes me by how he acts and the things he does for me.

I don't want to assume he's my boyfriend and would like to know for sure if he sees us as exclusive or not. Im hesitant to ask our status because i dont want to pressure him or jump the gun and make it akward if he's not ready. 

Also he's very independent and broke up with his last gf because she was super clingy and didnt have her own life. I am pretty independent, have many friends and would never rely on a guy to be my everything but i do want to have open communication and know where he sees this relationship going. I doubt he's the type to bring up the "the talk" first. Some friends have suggested that I wait  until the 3 to 4 month mark and some guy friends say not to say anything and just let it happen naturally. What do you think Moxie?  Thanks!  |Age: 27

Here's my question. If things are going so swimmingly...why do you have to have everything defined? I mean, I do understand the anxiety and confusion in this situation, but why is it that just when things start getting in to a groove, we women have to immediately jump tot he "where is this going" place? I don't think you're wrong to want to know. I'd want to know to. But I'm just curious why women need to have everything spelled out.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

The Lies Women Tell Themselves

"I have been told over and over again that I am intimidating and highImpressions
maintenance, but when I ask for specifics about what that means or what
exact behaviors give off that impression, no one has anything to say."

Let me clear up your confusion. When people say a woman is high
maintenance and intimidating, they mean she's difficult to please, cold
and abrasive/nasty. That's what that means. Lots of women secretly like
being called high maintenance and intimidating because they think it
means they're super smart, hot, and successful. No, dearies. It means
the woman is a bitch.

"It was funny b/c what the "expert" [on Oprah] said rang true to my recent
conculsion. At the end of the day men still need to feel like you are
weak and vulnerable to want to be with you. The choice self-sufficient
independent women have to make is when to just suck it up and let the
man feel like he is saving you even if you could very well do it on
your own."

No, men don't need women to be "weak." That's another lie women tell
themselves to justify being self-obsessed, bitchy, afraid and bossy.
Men like to see a vulnerable side to women because they need to know
that there is a side to her that will nurture and support him without
judgment in those times where HE needs to be vulnerable. Don't make it
out to sound like all men are just wimps threatened by a smart or
assertive woman. There's plenty who aren't. PLENTY. There are many,
many men in sociey today who were raised only by their mother and have
nothing but regard for a self-sufficient woman. The problem is that
many women can't discern between being assertive and aggressive. There
are way too many women who keep indulging ridiculous myths like "men
don't like strong women" or "Men are threatened by a smart/successful
women."  That's a blatant lie that a woman came up with to justify why
she's alone.

Oprah will have on any "expert" that will justify her own life and
inability to relinquish control in relationships. Steadman is a good
little doggie, following his "master" (in the dog/master sense) around
and keeping his mouth shut. That's exactly what Oprah needs. Oprah will
never be married, never be in love because, in her mind,  nobody is
good enough for her. Talk about a total unwillingness to be vulnerable
and being self-important.

It is AMAZING the lies we ladies will tell ourselves in order to protect our own egos and justify why nobody has/is choosing us.

How to Attract & Understand Men - E-guide

Based on our popular workshop, learn to attract more men and be approachable, learn what they're true intentions are and avoid getting too attached or invested.
http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=156436

Date Smarter - Avoid Getting Attached Too Quickly - Download & Manual
Stop getting invested too early. Steps & Tips to avoid being disappointed or letting your
anxiety push people away.
http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=132253

Date Smarter - Top Dating Mistakes & How to Avoid/Fix Them - Manual
Overanalyzing, Inordinate Expectations, Getting Attached Too Quickly & More
http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=132254

Fellatio Cheat Sheet For Women
http://payloadz.com/go?id=290870

Fellatio Workshop for Women - Video
http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=131235   

YOUR THOUGHTS?

July 07, 2008

Why Doesn't Her Booty Call Want Sex?

In celebration of my 2008: Simplicity Plan, I'm asking all of you to subscribe to this blog's feed.      That way I don't have to send out daily e-mails. See that FeedBlitz subscriber box up there in the upper left corner? Sign up. Thank you in advance! 

DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
Got a dating related question?  Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It's Free! Look for Moxie's response and feedback from other singles. (Responses take between 6-36 hours.) Ask Away -
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

Name: Angel | Location: NY , NY |Question: I've been casually hooking up with a guy I met online for theMoxiesept1112356 past month. We've hooked up twice, had sex once. Last Friday I sent him a text message asking him if he wanted to meet me at my place after our respective Fourth of July parties. He said he was having fun with his friends and wasn't sure he could get away. The week before he sent me a text message asking if I'd be around later that Saturday night. I said I'd be hone after midnight and to text me if he wanted to get together. No text or call. We were IMing today and talking about our Fourth holidays and I suggested we meet after work for a quickie. He said he was still recovering from the weekend and would call me later in the week to see what I was up to. What's going on? I thought when guys had great sex they would want it again? Is it me or is it weird that he'd choose hanging out with his friends over having sex? Should I just assume I won't see him again?|Age: 33

No, you'll see him again. But when it's convenient for him and when he doesn't have other options. Your kind of booty call situation, where there is no past history, is the trickiest.

See, he probably wasn't choosing to hang out with his friends that July 4th night. He probably met someone that he was interested in. And the one thing that will always trump great sex is great sex with a new/different girl. Or the potential for great sex with a new girl. He knew darn right well he could leave and go have sex with you. But a guy will often times choose to stick it out, talking to the new girl, even if it means not getting laid that night. Especially if he likes her. Like, really likes her.

Or he was genuinely having fun with his friends and didn't want to leave. If he was already buzzed and chillin' with his bros, he probably weighed the pros and cons of leaving. Leave and go to your place and maybe have to endure some chitter chatter and post coital cuddling OR stay with his friends and do absolutely nothing but drink and call each other douche bag. Great sex is always tempting. But guys will almost always do a quick cost/benefit analysis in their head trying to determine if the effort is worth it and just how much work he'll have to do. He knows he can walk away at any time. There's nothing keeping him there. So he can blow you off without a second thought. Especially since you continue to allow him to.

On top of all that, he knew you were accessible and available. That, too, will always diminish your value in those situations. They know they can have, and already have, so what's the urgency? Basically, he's waiting around to see if something better comes along. If it doesn't, then he'll give you a go.

I say file this guy in the back of your drawer and find someone new. Keep him around in case of a horniness emergency, but don't contact him for awhile.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Do Men Just Date Her For Her Looks?

In celebration of my 2008: Simplicity Plan, I'm asking all of you to subscribe to this blog's feed.      That way I don't have to send out daily e-mails. See that FeedBlitz subscriber box up there in the upper left corner? Sign up. Thank you in advance! 

DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
Got a dating related question?  Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It's Free! Look for Moxie's response and feedback from other singles. (Responses take between 6-36 hours.) Ask Away -
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

Name: Karen Martin | Location: Allen , Texas |Question: My question is I have been on countless dates andMoxiejan200721 they all say I am out of their league. what does this mean. I am a woman who looks 10 years younger and is in good shape, very proportioned and I carry myself very securely. I also have just started school and I got straight a's. So needless to say I am smart too. I have gone out with all kinds of men and all kinds of incomes. I don't hop in bed with any of these dates and I don't know if they just don't know what to think about that or if they are sincerely intimidated by me. They seem to always be very concerned if I go on a lot of dates and if men approach me a lot and yes is the answer to the both of the questions. I am looking for some substance in confidence in whoever i decide to date and I am wondering if they feel that they don't have it or if my confidence makes them uncomfortable. I will be honest I tend to get really bored with 9 out of 10 men and I don't have any desire to candy coat it. I feel like many times they just want to be seen with me. My confidence does not in any way come from my outward appearance it is derived from my personality and sense of character and genuineness. I would not say I am beautiful but all these men would. My worth has never been derived by my appearance there is more to me than my looks but I feel they don't listen to a word I say. They see me in real life and they all say you are way out of my league. I smile, I am kind but it always is the same thing. I am open to any of your suggestions. |Age: 51

Here's my suggestion.

Don't be so obnoxious and full of yourself.

I have no advice for you. You're so caught up in your fabulousness that you're not capable of hearing any advice.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

July 06, 2008

Emphatic Denial

Thursday night I was saying goodbye to a couple as they left our party. They had arrived together earlier inMoxiemay20085 the night.

"Good night" I said. "Hope you and your wife had a good time!" For some reason I thought they were married. There was something about the pair, a British couple who attended to mingle with the British Expat Meetup. I got the sense that they had been together awhile.

The man smiled, with the woman about three feet behind him, and said, "Not my wife. My girlfriend." I was a little thrown by how quick he was to correct me given that his girlfriend was just a few feet behind him and could have heard him. He wasn't just correcting me. It was as if he was saying, "Don't marry me off just ye! I'm not ready for that!." 

I'm not sure how I would have felt if I had been his girlfriend. Would it have bothered me to hear him so quickly rectify my assumption? What would his need to immediately correct the assumption mean? Did it mean he wasn't ready to be married? Not interested in marriage? Not interested in marriage with me? or maybe she wouldn't have cared at all because they were both not interested in marriage and had been mistaken for a married couple often.

YOUR THOUGHTS?


In celebration of my 2008: Simplicity Plan, I'm asking all of you to subscribe to this blog's feed.      That way I don't have to send out daily e-mails. See that FeedBlitz subscriber box up there in the upper left corner? Sign up. Thank you in advance! 

DATING QUESTIONS NEEDED FOR ADVICE COLUMN!-YOUR FEEDBACK WANTED!
Got a dating related question?  Want free advice from Moxie and dozens of other national and international singles? Ask Away. It's Free! Look for Moxie's response and feedback from other singles. (Responses take between 6-36 hours.) Ask Away -
http://www.moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

Justification

Name: inq | | Location: NY , NY |Question: Not so much a question, but maybe a discussion topic. I sawMoxiemarch200845 this posted somewhere and I thought - this goes on a lot so why do we SO beat ourselves up about not being married... yet? Isn't it better to be single, even after you past 'the dreaded age' than this? I would rather take the time to find my best compatible mate, than life a life in silent suffering. This seems to be the ultimate example of why it's not better to be married JUST to be married.

"I have been married for 25 years and have two children, one adult and one teenager. I have never been happy in my marriage. I decided a long time ago that my commitment was to maintaining a secure family life for my children, mostly because I did not have that when I grew up. My husband is distant, insensitive, uncomfortable with emotions, and spends more time alone than he does with us or anyone else. He stated that he once cheated in the past but it was "too much trouble." I have sex with him out of a sense of duty and occasionally my own physical need. I have not kissed or hugged my husband in many years. I must admit I have a friend I stay in touch with and see once or twice a year. I can kiss him, hug him, enjoy sex with him and say I love you. I have no intention of giving up this relationship. I have plans about how I will leave my husband the minute my youngest child is packed for college. The thought of living together without the children is unbearable. I am not even certain I can take it very much longer. I am a therapist and spend hours with clients who have codependency issues. I counsel them to take care of themselves, yet I do not have the courage to do that for myself. I am very concerned about my children because they have grown up having witnessed no display of emotion or love between their parents. My oldest child is 25 and has never had a serious relationship. I know in my heart that I am hurting my children more than helping them. " |Age: 39

You know, I was pretty annoyed the other day when I wrote the "Being Alive" Post and so many people jumped to the defensive. The point of the post went over many people's heads. All they heard was "Being with someone is better than being alone." (Which, for the record, was not what I said.)The woman writing the letter complaining about her marriage gets no sympathy from me because she chose to get married to this person whom she claims to not love. Where is her responsibility in all of this? Or is it all just her distant husband's fault? This, in a nutshell, is why there are so many single people of a certain age and older - a refusal to be accountable for their actions and choices. This woman whining about her marriage? I'll be willing to bet she was well aware of how distant her husband was BEFORE she married him. And now, suddenly, his behavior no longer works for her. So she justifies her own cheating because he cheated and because he's "distant." Me , me, me. I,I,I. And the worst part is that she's claiming to stay together for her children. Really? And how does this set-up of her screwing another man a few times a year while her husband spends time alone in the garage help her kids or encourage them to form healthy views on relationships and attachments? Bullshit. She gets to stay married and have her lover on the side. It clearly isn't so bad for her, as she's still there. Works for her. Wonder how it works for her children?

Ing, all I hear in the letter above is, "See? This is another reason why it's better to be single."
Well, you know what? If you continue to look for reasons why it's better to be single, you'll find them. And really that's all you're doing. You're trying to justify why, at almost 40, you're still single. You don't have to justify anything to me. But you clearly feel a need to justify something to yourself. You're relying on stories and examples of how damaged people are in damaged relationships. I know plenty of people who grew up in a broken home, who lost mates, who  spent years dating the wrong people who ended up in healthy, productive relationships.  They found those relationships because they continued to believe that good people exist and that love and commitment and marriage can work if the two people want it to.

It's really easy to find fault with what's wrong with marriage and commitment today. There are a lot of flaws in the whole system, I agree. But maybe the reason why there are so many failed marriages and infidelity and bad relationships is because there are just a lot of really damaged people out there. They had poor examples of marriage and commitment as a child or were just never raised to consider someone else's feelings or needs.  Maybe it's not necessarily the institution of marriage or the idea of fidelity that's the problem. Maybe it's that there are just way too many people out there with this warped idea that, if a marriage doesn't work, you can just get a divorce. Or if a relationship doesn't work, you can just give up and leave, despite the fact that you claimed that there was just so much love between you and your partner and despite all the time and effort you invested in it. Maybe there are just too many people walking around thinking how a relationship should benefit them, what a mate can do for them...instead of wondering what they can do for their mate or what they bring to the table. Maybe there are just too many people who just got to accustomed to only considering themselves because they spent so much time, wait for it, ALONE. Maybe all these negative thoughts are what keep people single.

If you feel that living your life alone is better than being in a couple, then God Bless.     If it works for you and you're truly happy then that's really all that matters. Personally, it's not for me. Nor do I believe that it is healthy for someone to live their life solely thinking about themselves.  It makes it very hard to incorporate someone else into your life when you've spent years never having to consider anyone else's needs. I think living a solitary life, one that includes a limited amount of person to person interaction, touch and communication, stunts your ability to relate to others in a healthy and productive way and gets in the way for forming healthy attachments. The longer you go not making yourself vulnerable, the easier it becomes to never be vulnerable.


YOUR THOUGHTS?

July 03, 2008

Good Enough

I always get insecure just before a large party. Probably because there is so much responsibility on my shoulders. I want everyone to have fun and I want the space to be perfect and want people to feel comfortable.

I'm having a "not good enogh" moment. I feel fat and unattractive.

I need you to tell me why I shouldn't. Sounds crazy, I know. But it's part of my "be vulnerable" mission.

I need to hear why I'm good enough.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

July 02, 2008

Being Alive

In one of our workshops recently, a woman who also happens to be a social worker/therapist attended and  offered an interesting bit  of insight. When another woman in the workshop said she constantly attracted men who were not looking for a commitment or a relationship, the therapist said that often times what we attract is usually a mirror of our own desires and intentions.

This bit if insight has been stuck in my head since then. I mean, it's not something I didn't consider or realize. Couple this realization with the  conversation two weeks ago i had  with another person who met me for 5 minutes and knew I feared being vulnerable and it's obvious why I'm single.

I could use the same excuse others use - I like being single, I don't want to be tied down, I hate being obligated, I'm enjoying my single life, etc. But that would be a lie. Sure, I enjoy coming and going as I please, and I like that I don't have to answer to anyone. But there are times that I trade that freedom to have someone to sit in silence with, or who could listen when I wan to talk something through, or who just reminds me that there's someone out there thinking about me.

There is something terrifying to me about being vulnerable. If someone were to ask me why I'm still single, I'd say that was the reason. I think people like to tell themselves that they enjoy being single and at times I'm sure they do. But I don't believe that they prefer being single over sharing their life with someone. People who are perpetually single are so because there is something in their head, some voice, that is telling them that being alone is better. It's safer. It's less work. You get to be the person you want to be, despite the fact that maybe that person isn't the most healthy or rational or conscious. So we/they create this little insulated world that we can live in and find excuse after excuse as to why certain people aren't good enough, smart enough, hot enough, giving enough, etc to live in it with us. And anybody who dares to penetrate those kingdom walls and tells us that how we think and how we live is exactly why we're single, well they get banished. Because we don't want to hear that. We want to be told that our Prince or Princess is out there, that they just haven't found us yet, but that they'll come one day and rescue us. Because that's what our parents told us. Or what we saw in a movie. Or read in a book. Or found in some other piece of fiction. Meanwhile, the time passes. We're still exactly where we were last year or the year before. Or, worse, we've regressed or given up completely. We've convinced ourselves that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or that we're much happier exploring our options. Bull shit.

I heard this song recently and I've added it to my iPod playlist. I suggest you do, too. It reminds me of what all this is about. Why we do it. Why we're afraid. And why "being alone is not being alive."  It's called "Being Alive" and it's from the Stephen Sondheim musical "Company." The Raul Esparza performance is truly the best of all the versions. The play is about a man, Robert, who jumps from woman to woman, never settling down. All of his friends are married or coupled up and they keep trying to get him to find a nice girl and settle down. On the eve of his 35th birthday, with the help of his friends, he finally confronts all those fears and excuses and realizes why he's been single all these years.

"You've got so many reasons for not being with someone. But, Robert, you don't have one good reason for  being alone."

"Hey, Bobby, don't be afraid that it won't be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of is that it won't be."

Indeed.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

July 01, 2008

Love is a Battlefield

Name: Rob Y. |Location: Brooklyn , NY |Question: Dear Moxie;Dead9mf

I'm having trouble with all the modern rules of behavior in the dating scene. With all these books and web sites, there seem to be a thousand codes of conduct and I keep stepping on land-mines. I'm confused about what's appropriate and what isn't anymore. Let me give you three examples of what I mean.

1) I met a girl at party recently who I'd seen before at a meet-up. We talked for a while but were interrupted before I could ask for her number. I didn't want to lurk around her all night so I mingled for a while and hoped to find her later but she left before I got the chance to ask her number. But I was able to e-mail her using the meet-up group we're both in. I never heard back from her. When I discussed this with a female friend of mine, I was told that e-mailing her was "creepy" behavior and that she's be scared if someone did that to her. I had no idea I was doing something spooky.

Ask your friend how she'd feel if the guy who contacted her through meetup was attractive or someone she found attractive. She'd change her tune  right quick. You did nothing wrong. That's the whole reason why Meetup has that little envelope icon. Your friend sounds a bit unpleasant. Maybe re-think that friendship. Her job is to support you, not make you feel worse about yourself. In the future, though, if the woman was interested she wouldn't have let you and she be interrupted in the first place. She would have made sure to re-connect with you eventually.

2) I made friends with a woman in the building I work in. We got along fine. We joked (nothing sexual, just silly funny) and I listened to her complaints about her job. One day I asked her out and she said she wasn't interested. Fine. No problem. But I made the mistake of still trying to be her friend. I didn't think I should start ignoring her just because she didn't want to date. I didn't ask her out again but I was still friendly. (Not flirty, just innocently friendly.) Her attitude toward me had changed, though. She got very angry and said my behavior was not appropriate and that I wasn't respecting her rejection and that I should stay away from her. Again, I had no idea I was being inappropriate.

You weren't being inappropriate. She just felt uncomfortable. The nicer you are, the more she's reminded that she wasn't interested and she feels guilty. But, in the future, do not make yourself the doormat who listens to a woman kvetch. That's girl friend territory. That's a reason why many men get put in the friend zone. Behave like a girl friend and she'll see you like a girl friend.

3) I exchanged a few e-mails and one phone call with a woman I'd met over the Internet. After the previous experiences I mentioned, I didn't want to be accused of being inappropriate again so I let a few days go by without contacting her again. But I received two angry E-mails back , telling me that w
e'd made a "connection" (which I hadn't felt) and then I "just disappeared". Again, I seem to have stepped on a land mine I didn't see coming.

Uh...avoid her. I mean, don't just disappear, but cut things off now. That kind of response from her indicates that she's getting attached a little too quickly. Anger is not an emotion that a total stranger should be able to illicit in someone.

I suppose I'm a bit naive. How does a person know what's normal and appropriate anymore?
 
|Age: 43

True or False: Men Deal Better With Breakups Than Women

What is it about women that they need time to be ready to date again after aMoxiejanuary20080909
breakup?  What are you readying yourselves for and how does sitting
there being miserable and throwing a pity party for yourselves cause
this readiness to come about?  This is one of the fundamental
differences between guys and gals.  We get right back on the horse.
Women need to mourn and are loathe to love again until the mourning is
complete - even in the face of new and promising opportunity.  I don't
get it.  When you lose a pet, yeah it sucks and you're sad, but then
you go right out and get a new one.  Then you feel a lot better when
you bring that new pet home to love in the old one's place.  Unless
someone has up and died on you, two months is long enough to grieve a
lost lover.  If you have opportunites, take them.  The longer you deny
your own happiness, the longer you prolong your misery.  Us men have a
saying with regards to breakups:

"Nothing gets you over the last one faster than the next one." - Craig

"Are you implying that men aren't completely wrecked after they've been
dumped or ended a relationship? Unlike men, who do almost little to no
introspection and never consider that maybe they were the ones to fuck
things up, women beat themselves up and to figure out where things went
wrong so we don't do the same thing again.

"When you lose a pet, yeah it sucks and you're sad, but then you go
right out and get a new one."

Uh...who does? You? Then that says you didn't really care much about
the pet who died and simply like to replace one thing for another
rather than go through the grieving process. Kind of like how men date
versus how women date. You might dislike how we do it, but we actually
handle grief and break ups in a healthier way than men do because we
allow ourselves to feel what we feel and move on when we're sure we can
give it our best shot.

You dislike our emotional make-up in regards to dating, but man do you
sure require it when you're ready to have kids and you want the woman
to stay home and raise them. Then our emotions and need to nurture and
be sympathetic are required. - Moxie

YOUR THOUGHTS?

ASK MOXIE VIA SKYPE - CALL ME!

  • CALL MOXIE - ASK YOUR QUESTION - GET ONE ON ONE FEEDBACK
    Skype Me™!

Ask Moxie

  • Ask Moxie - It's Free!

Recent Comments

Buy The MoxieintheCity Fellatio Cheat Sheet

  • 21 Techniques - 9 pages - Graphics - $14.95

DATE SMARTER

People Who "Get It"

stat


Referrer

  • Referers

    referer referrer referers referrers http_referer